There are moments every so often that make me step back and reassess myself... my beliefs... my everything. One of those moments happened the other day. Ryan's 9/10 year old nephew was on vacation with his family in Hawaii. They were running out to watch the sunrise the morning they were to depart. Gordon was born with congenital heart disease. On his way to experience one of God's most beautiful creations he collapsed. Hours later we heard of all that had transpired. Gordon then was on ice, sedated and intubated. As I listened to Ryan's sister relay what had happened and what was going on I felt this numbness. Shelly, Gordon's mom, is one of the most kind, loving women I know. She has endured some of the most ugly experiences for the past number of years. Every time I think, "Nothing else can go wrong." Something does. They embrace and live the gospel. They are kind and forgiving. They continue to do what is right despite the wrongs that continue to enter their lives. So many other times as I've listened to another trial that was looming over them I would get angry then complain to Ryan about how wrong it was. This time was different. There was this peace that I mistook at first for numbness. That is where the reassessing began. This is where I realized my faith in God had changed. I no longer had faith in God's abilities. I KNEW them. I knew that if it was His will, Gordon would be made whole. I knew He had power to do all. In Ether when the Brother of Jared sees Christ. He talks about "he had faith no longer, for he knew, nothing doubting." I don't doubt God's abilities. My faith has now transferred to His will. That is where I waver at times. My long term will is in line with His. However, my short term will has been off a bit in the past. As I have stepped back from frustrating situations and experiences and looked at them more the way Christ would I've been able to change my reactions. I hear myself saying "this just must be His will." I feel myself becoming less riled, more at peace. Often there are more tears but a lot less anger. I'm learning that somethings will only be learned through trials and hardship. I find myself looking for help through trials with some of my children. It's just my human nature to keep the natural man within me. It's only through hard things and trials that direct me or push me to God that really creates the needed change within me. I was talking to my brother Terry the other day. He made the comment, "You know nothin's gonna go right for me!" I instantly thought, "Of course not, God will never give up on trying to get you back to Him." I finally saw it, trials and hardships are so often a loving parents only hope to regain a lost or struggling child. Sometimes its the trials of others who are so good that humble me to make those changes within myself. I realized as I contemplated the potential outcomes for Gordon, I wouldn't be okay being in a room with all of Ryan's siblings. I need to open my heart completely to all of them. I am sinning as I keep my heart closed. For me it's learning how to let the Savior heal the hurts that occur from an open heart. Just yesterday I opened myself up and the hurt that came from it sent me reeling. It took my an hour just to get over the initial shock of the interaction. It wasn't a family member or even close friend. I was surprised at how I felt. But I've been more open the past while and I was taken off guard by my own emotions. I've "drank the kook-aid" in a way. I've let myself loose sight of this life being a preparatory state. I am preparing to meet God, that is why I am here. I have to become like Him in every way if I want to live in His presence. Obviously, that can only be accomplished through the grace of God. Only through repentance, change and the enabling power of Christ can I truly come to know my Savior and slowly become like Him. That entails having an open heart and enduring unbearable pain. I have to CHOOSE to keep my heart open and allow the pain of it to be swallowed up in Christ. Mark and Shelly are two of my most favorite people (not sure if that is grammatically correct). There is a goodness in them that is undeniable. I can't help but think God has such confidence in them. He has a plan and part of that plan (unfortunately for Mark and Shelly) includes Gordon. Through out this experience they have held fast to their faith, choosing to see the Lord's hand and tender mercies. It strengthens my faith as I watch them endure this trial. I'm not sure what the peace I feel will bring. I do know that whatever the outcome, it will be the Lord's will.
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