Thursday, March 2, 2017

My emotions limit my ability to write.  I've struggled sending Casey meaningful letters on his mission.  I respond to his journal pages he sends and the emails but I've not been able to write him the way I thought I would.  I told him I would try and journal each night and then send those thoughts on to him.  So, here goes...

Right now life is...  I guess it's always been rough.  I live for emotional connection.  The thought of small talk makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm horrible at the pleasantries.  When I talk with someone I want it to be real.  I want to know their heart.  But I've found I am very guarded to share mine, even with those that should be closest to me.  It's a rare day I open up and bare my soul.  However, I've been blessed to have those experiences with my kids.  Casey has been the child most tied to my emotional state.  As a child he seemed to sense where I was and react to it.  So many times demanding my attention and fighting for me to fill his needs when I was so empty.  It would make me crazy at times but then I would always muster enough to attend to him often pulling me out of the mud I was stuck in.  As a teenager I learned that he needed me to laugh with him each day.  There were so many times I didn't have it in me to laugh yet once again, meeting his needs helped fill mine.  So I shouldn't be surprised that Casey's needs right now are an answer to my own.  I need to start writing, expressing my feelings in away that allows me to process them and not feel so empty.  

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner.  We laughed, it felt so good to laugh.  Elder Curtis was telling us his favorite candy bars.  He mentioned Twix and it reminded me of a memory.  I told the kids how I would steal our paper route money and go to the laundry mat and buy Twix bars out of the vending machine.  Every time I eat a Twix I am taken back to that laundry mat.  Then I told them about buying a root beer at that same laundry mat with that same stolen money and hiding it out in our front yard during the winter.  It froze then exploded.  There was no way to thaw it because I wasn't suppose to have it.  Then came another memory, eating Julie and Tressa's ill gotten treats.  They couldn't tell on us, Jared & me, because they weren't suppose to have them.  I laughed as I retold the stories.  I love to laugh, really laugh.  Maybe that's why I have been blessed with Casey.... he always seems to make me laugh.

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