I ran away Thursday morning. It was scheduled, Ryan and the kids new about it. I needed to get away, breathe, think and hopefully recoup a bit. Vermont seemed like a great place to go. So far, so good. However, Friday during a hike I found an email from Ryan. The content was a little disheartening but surprisingly I wasn't upset. I didn't feel hurt or angry, I think there was a part of me that thought maybe this would help us. I waited for a response to my response and nothing came. I was up late texting the kids a couple nights later and ryan texted. I told him to call me when he was driving home from work. I thought he would talk to me about his email but he didn't. He talked about the horses, the kids, his and porter's boy trip that was coming up but never about his email. He was saying goodbye and I wanted to talk about the email so I brought it up. He didn't seem too interested in talking about it. As I addressed the situation he came up with his old reasons, putting the blame/responsibility back on me. Again, I felt completely alone. I've expressed my thoughts and intents very clearly. He chooses not to hear or believe them. I'm not sure what to do. I've made so many decisions for him in the past and it's created a very ineffective marriage cycle. I've tried to stop doing it so that he can figure out who he really is. However, his decisions that include me keep hurting me. He tells himself it's what I want but it couldn't be farther from the truth. He wants a wife that smiles at him, engages him in conversation, is affectionate to him and is a good mother. I play that roll and everything in his world is happy and wonderful yet I still feel completely alone and sad. There is no emotional connection. He loves to talk about books, history, church, work but nothing "real". When emotions surface with the kids he grasps for the quickest answer or he lets them walk away giving them space. I think he's said a hundred or more times to me, "I'm just giving you space." For me that translates to ignoring me. If you want to cause me pain, ignore me. I have felt so much rejection in my life I automatically assume people will reject me. I would rather not have relationships because I know they will end up rejecting and hurting me. Our family life is incredibly emotional. The kids have dealt with so much rejection and ugliness. They come home from church and school a mess, often in tears. I am constantly walking them through and processing their emotions. It is overwhelming to say the least. I have so much racing through my head; how do I help them, how do I instill self confidence when it is being destroyed daily, how do I teach them to trust God when it seems as if He isn't listening, how do they keep taking this abuse and not let it change them, how do I help them choose Christ and His ways? Often when ryan walks in the door and asks how my day was all I have is "Good."  I am beginning to understand it's not that he doesn't want to emotionally connect but that he doesn't know how. I'm not sure how we get there. I know the answer is in me being my best self. My best self creates a safe comforting environment for Ryan to be. I'm just not sure how to keep doing that when I am so lonely and sad. I know the answer lies in my relationship with Christ. As I teach my children to choose Him I hear my Heavenly Father giving me the same counsel. I need to allow the Savior to heal my heart, fill it with His love, kindness and charity.  I believe as I do, I will find the ability to endure the loneliness of marriage. I have felt His strength and enabling power through motherhood. I am truly feeling the joys of life through my children. I need to trust I'll have the same experiences with marriage and my husband. 
"Do you suppose it matters to our Heavenly Father whether your makeup, clothes, hair and nails are perfect? Do you think your value to him changes based on how many followers you have on Instagram or Pinterest? Do you think he wants you to worry or get depressed if some un-friend or un-follow you on Facebook or Twitter? Do you think outward attractiveness, your dress size or popularity make the slightest difference in your worth to the one who created the universe? He loves you not only for who you are this very day, but also for the person of glory and light you have the potential and the desire to become.”-Dieter F. Uchtdorf


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