I really wanted to talk with Ryan last night. He was working until 11pm & I was still in Vermont. I stayed up late talking with a friend I was staying with just to talk with him. It went so badly. I hung up the phone completely crushed. I woke up sad and alone. Had I been at home I would have stayed in bed all day. How can things keep going so wrong? I don't doubt we both want this relationship to grow and be successful, but somehow it just keeps floundering. Driving to the airport my friend was asking how things were going. I was trying not to talk about Ryan and I.  I knew the tears would come and I just didn't want to deal with them today. She was so sweet and gave me some really good at advice. At the time I really wasn't up to hearing it. I've been blessed with truly good friends that know the value of honest advice. Advice that is often hard to hear and difficult to follow… the tears came. I said goodbye and headed into the airport. Ryan had sent a text the length of a book.  Sometimes texting works a lot better than talking. I think it allows Ryan the time to really process what he is feeling and thinking. It makes me wait until he is completely finished with his thoughts. It helps me to not react part way through sending Ryan into fight or flight which feels a lot like blaming or defending which always ends up hurting. It also allows me to respond in a very analytical way which helps Ryan “hear” what I am saying. Maybe we should agree to just text. (Haha) 

I started writing out my goals for the upcoming school year.  I know Ryan wants to spend time together but doesn't always know how to go about it. It's frustrating for me. I keep wanting him to take charge in a sense and “fight” for what he wants. Instead he lets his head tell him I don't want to spend time with him. If he only knew how much I needed him. I'm planning to go to the temple every Wednesday morning so I checked his schedule. He has every Wednesday morning in September off. I know he wants to play tennis. I've designated Friday mornings if he is off as “Ryan” mornings. I checked his schedule and he has time every Friday morning in September.  I feel torn, on one hand I know he will be so happy if I initiate those activities. But on the other I feel abandoned, left to shoulder the responsibility of the relationship again. I want him to want to be with me so badly he makes it happen, he makes spending time with me a priority and a nonnegotiable. But then I hear the advice of my friend ringing in my ears. When I am honest with myself I have to admit it's really my pride that is torn. If I listen to my heart and base my decision on love I would send Ryan a text letting him know my plans.  I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to be vulnerable with him.  My walls are up and I know progress will be so slow until I am able to take them down. Here goes nothing…..



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