I remember the wave of emotion the day I married Ryan like it was yesterday. It was such a unique experience, one you never forget. I had never experienced anything like it until we decided to move to Missouri. I was sitting in the airport and that wave of emotion hit for the second time in my life. It's been a rough road. One full of disappointment and pain. However, today was one of those days I will look back on and remember with fondness. Ryan and I are no where near having the relationship either of us wants. We are committed to each other and our family but in noway satisfied with our relationship. It started out like most other discussions... me asking Ryan what he was feeling. I listened as he expressed his thoughts. I tried to explain some of my reasoning. He was listening for a bit and it seemed like he was internalizing what I was saying. However, part way through he got angry and threw out a slew of words that normally would have sent me cowering back into my fortress of walls. You know those walls, the ones you throw up to keep the hurt at bay. The ones that only damage a relationship more. Well today was different. As I talked with him I realized that the anger and bitterness towards him was finally gone. I was amazed as I continued discussing with him the situation at hand, my emotions didn't spike. I could stay in the conversation without feeling like I needed to run away. We spent the day together. I think he thinks I'm crazy in a few ways, and I would agree. I hope someday he will find value in what he sees as crazy right now. I am understanding him a little better and trying to embrace his idiosyncrasies. I can learn a lot from him. I believe he just gets stuck inside his own head sometimes. But today was a success. We took one step towards the relationship we both desire, that's a win... for both of us.
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