NO-ONE tells you about these moments.

Victoria is screaming & Porter crying.  Porter didn't want to get out of the lake.  Victoria screamed the entire week of the reunion.  During one fit James(NASA scientist/mathematician... I have liked James from the moment we met him.  He is brilliant yet doesn't mind carrying on a conversation with me... a bit less than brilliant.  He's great with the kids & always fun to be around. ) was looking on with this look of bewilderment.  All I could come up with was, "You don't have to worry about getting one like this, she's one of a kind (& all mine!).  I'm not sure what James was thinking & I'm working on not trying to figure out what others are thinking about me!  So, back to the screaming.  I'm in the cafeteria trying to feed these two out of control kids.  Finally, I pick them up & walk out.  I'm carrying Victoria & pulling Porter along.  He's yelling at me, "YOUR SO MEAN".  He starts bellering & I squeeze his arm.  Great Mom Moment... & many more to come in the short walk to the cabin.  He starts again & I tell him every time he bellers I'm going to squeeze his arm.  Half way up the hill he really starts in.  I swear I just never thought this would happen to me.  I was going to be the fun mom that my kids couldn't help but just love.  I would be so fun & loving that they would obey & listen all the time.... HA, they left out the part about kids being kids because they are KIDS!  So, here we go a run down of Porter's sweet words to his dear mother!

You're so mean.

You're the meanest mom ever!

I don't care if you would die.

I hope you would die.

I don't want to live with you.

response, you can live with someone else.

No, YOU live somewhere else!

I get them back to the cabin & into bed.  I sit out on the couch completely baffled.  I just don't get it.  I DO NOT understand motherhood.  Days like these I feel like an utter failure.  The one thing I'm "in charge" of... raising kids... I'm failing at!  I think I should go check on them but hesitate mostly from fear... what if they aren't asleep... what could possibly be next?  I get up anyway & check, Victoria is peacefully sleeping.  I thought Porter was a sleep, he surprises me when he says, "mom."  I respond with a calm,  "yes?"  He then says, "I said a prayer that I will get to go swimming again."  I had threatened that he wouldn't go swimming anymore that day.  I let him know that after his nap we would go back to the lake & swim!  Motherhood is my most humbling experience.  I've stopped telling myself it will get easier.  Instead, I'm going to let loose & laugh as often & as hard as I can and use selective memory for the rest.