Monday, April 23, 2018

Long Walks

I came across a few quotes that resonated well with my soul and at the same time chastised my heart a bit...  

Russel M Nelson said, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives."  

L. Whitney Clayton said, "There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold.  ...If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe, then the Savior's teachings and example will show us the pathway forward."  

Ryan and I have been walking a lot since the weather has improved.  6 miles gives us a good amount of time to talk and hash things through.  One particular morning, after a few rough days, Ryan asked as we walked, "Do you have hope for our marriage?" At that moment my tired, hurting heart wanted to say no. But those quotes kept running through my head.  I chose my words carefully.  I responded, "I have complete confidence and hope in God's abilities.  I don't have hope in my abilities."  He asked, "What do you mean?"  We had a good open conversation but at one point things went south.  We weren't understanding each other and old cycles started.  In that moment I blurted out, "I can't do what God is asking me to do.  I don't have hope in my abilities, I can't do it."  I started walking faster and Ryan trailed a little behind.  We walked in silence for a bit.  Then I heard him softly say, "Alone you can't." inferring that with Christ I could do what God was asking.  Again, L. Whitney Clayton's words rang in my ears.  My heart softened and we continued our walk side by side.  We talked more, shared our hearts and came home content with where we were that day.

I do trust our Heavenly Father and have complete confidence in His and our Savior's abilities.  I know He can heal Ryan and my hearts.  The "pathway forward" is there... it may take us a long time but I know that it is possible.  The difficulty comes in following that path.  Sometimes I don't want to forgive completely.  Sometimes I am terrified of opening up.  But when I really listen and take notice, I see His hand in our marriage.  Thoughts come and love beyond my own for Ryan is felt.  I cherish those moments, knowing that He is walking this path with us.  

Monday, February 12, 2018

Isabelle...

My family, my best friends.
Loving fun laughs, trips, and countless
hours spent together.
Enjoying fun activities together.


My faith,
Always trusting and turning to God.
Every Sunday morning
Dressed in my Sunday best.


My determination,
Overcoming every hurdle
Along the way.

Trusting in the process.

...and this

I am a Geddes
Who enjoys her family
and loves to have fun
I am hard working
and easy going
I am the funny family stories
and the teasing comments


I am the early morning runs
and muscles that feel like flimsy noodles
yet rock hard
I am a runner
I am the mountainous uphills
and the 5k filled saturdays
I am the endless laps on a black, hot tracks
and running till you die


I am an adventurer
and outdoorsy
I am on the chilly, white mountains in the winter
ans mosquito filled camping trips in the summer


I am the blonde
who is clumsy
and oblivious
I am quick to laugh and joke
even about myself


I used to be shy
and reserved
but now I am open and confident

I am Rebekah Geddes

I found this today...

So This is Home              
Rebekah Geddes


The old, white, Cape Cod on Werkley where I barely lived, piled high
with heavy snow, a fenced yard and a barking four-legged neighbor.
The handicap girl across the street, sweet neighbors, playing at the park
That was New York.


Next came the green grass, rolling hills and millions of flowers.
Routine Sunday walks across bridges, up trees full of bees and sunshine.
We adopted grandparents that held tea parties, sewed Halloween costumes
and treated us as their own.
Daily visits from the sweet tempered, curly haired Airedale Terrier.
But soon we had to leave, that was Kentucky.


With the Buckeyes came a new view, new friends and cousins.
Where soccer began, late night practices followed by Wendy’s crispy chicken sandwiches and Saturday morning games.
Our new lives flourished, we found new walking paths full of streams and woods
But once again it was time to move
That was Ohio.


In the midwest I grew up from a girl to a young woman.
I gained new friends and again, new cousins.
I lost the ball and began to run.
Here we stayed in the country down the gravel drive, lined with fruit trees.
Raspberries and blueberries in the front yard, chickens and goats in the back.
This is Missouri.


From New York to Kentucky
The Ohio
And across the Mississippi to Missouri
My address changed,
Werkley, Old Hartford, Pine Valley and 89th
Cape cod, brick, two-story and stone.
I left friends and family but gained more.
I lived in a number of new houses
But my home always stayed put
Dad, Mom, Sam, Casey, Isabelle, Porter, Victoria and me

THIS is my home!

Monday, December 25, 2017

Christmas 2017

I can't begin to express the feelings of my heart.  It is so full.  Life is nowhere near what I had invisioned.  However, this family Ryan and I have created is magical.  There is fighting and crying, anger and tears, happy and sad, name an emotion and we have experienced it.  But somehow there is this love and belonging that truly is magical.  We all huddled around the computer today waiting with anticipation for the hour we would have with Casey.  We had Sam on video.  I could tell something wasn't quite right.  Come to find out she was a bit distraught earlier.  You see, she was floating past Haiti trying to get an internet connection and it wasn't going well.  She had already missed Thanksgiving with us.   And even though she was on a cruise with Phil and his family, a bit of her heart really wanted to be home in Kansas City crowded around the computer with us.  She went through a slew of tissues.  Thankfully, things worked out and she and Phil were able to join in on the hour of laughter with Casey.  We have so much fun chatting with him. Every time we are caught off guard when he says, "I only have 15 minutes."  My heart aches just a little bit knowing that we have to say goodbye.  There are no perfect families.  But this family is perfect for me.  They help me grow.  They let me love them, make mistakes and laugh.  They are my treasure, they have my heart.

Christmas Eve 2017

The house was dark and quiet, I checked the time and it was only 8:15pm.  Ryan and I climbed into bed thinking we'd get a long nights sleep.  We started talking and laughing and finally fell asleep after 1:30AM.  Marriage has not been easy for either of us.  However, after nights like last night I can't help but have hope of one day creating the marriage we both dream of.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

I remember the wave of emotion the day I married Ryan like it was yesterday.  It was such a unique experience, one you never forget.  I had never experienced anything like it until we decided to move to Missouri.  I was sitting in the airport and that wave of emotion hit for the second time in my life.  It's been a rough road.  One full of disappointment and pain.  However, today was one of those days I will look back on and remember with fondness.  Ryan and I are no where near having the relationship either of us wants.  We are committed to each other and our family but in noway satisfied with our relationship.  It started out like most other discussions... me asking Ryan what he was feeling.  I listened as he expressed his thoughts.  I tried to explain some of my reasoning.  He was listening for a bit and it seemed like he was internalizing what I was saying.  However, part way through he got angry and threw out a slew of words that normally would have sent me cowering back into my fortress of walls.  You know those walls, the ones you throw up to keep the hurt at bay.  The ones that only damage a relationship more.  Well today was different.  As I talked with him I realized that the anger and bitterness towards him was finally gone.  I was amazed as I continued discussing with him the situation at hand, my emotions didn't spike.  I could stay in the conversation without feeling like I needed to run away.  We spent the day together.  I think he thinks I'm crazy in a few ways, and I would agree.  I hope someday he will find value in what he sees as crazy right now.  I am understanding him a little better and trying to embrace his idiosyncrasies.  I can learn a lot from him. I believe he just gets stuck inside his own head sometimes.  But today was a success.  We took one step towards the relationship we both desire, that's a win... for both of us.