April 7, 2021

A few weeks late...

Today was a rough session with JFF. I want to share what I learned.  Over the years instead of learning to tolerate my insecurities I made it your dad’s problem. 

For example, my body image issues. I have never thought I was thin enough and wanted your dad to tell me I was. When he didn’t(which isn’t his job) I turned it into he doesn’t think I am thin enough. Which may or may not be true. But it doesn’t matter. I need to hang on to my sense of self in these moments and not make your dad the measure of my acceptability. A more mature person would have first confronted herself. Am I being indulgent or lazy? Am I doing things detrimental to my health. Am I caring well for my body? After that I would have told myself the following things. 1. I exercise regularly. 2. I eat healthy, I can be indulgent in sweets sometimes but considering the stress I am currently under I am going to give myself a little grace. 3. I am growing life within this body and nourishing babies at the same time. I will not look like a HS Jonnette. 4. I am strong and have an incredible work ethic. 5. My body is incredibly resilient. 6. If Ryan doesn’t compliment me it has no bearing on what I think of myself.

Or when I was overwhelmed with all of you kids and felt like a loser mom.  I wanted him to reassure me I was a good mom. When he didn’t I turned it into he is gone too much and doesn’t help out enough. A more mature person would have again first confronted herself. Am I using my time wisely? Am I wasting time? Do I have realistic expectations? Then I would have told myself... 1. I have six children ages 8,7,6,4,2, and 3 months . Those are a lot of babies! 2. Life is going to be crazy and messy, my house cannot look like a magazine picture. 3. I will eventually get caught up with laundry, just not this decade. 4. I am going to forget somethings. 5. And it’s all ok. Time will pass and babies grow up. Be patient with yourself. 6. Ryan’s lack of acknowledgment doesn’t make me less of a mom. 

Both examples I needed to have more compassion and grace for myself. There really wasn’t more I could have done. I was doing the very best I could. 

Instead of growing up, confronting what was there, and having more compassion for myself and circumstances I blamed your Dad. 

Moving forward, I am going to take ownership of my insecurities. I’m going to lay it all out there and see how it lands. It will probably be messy and dysregulating but learning to tolerate dysregulation will help all of us develop and mature. 

Your Dad and I both come from horribly dysfunctional families. We have made a lot of mistakes. I hope you all can learn from ours and educate yourselves in ways to avoid a lot of the unnecessary heartache we both have experienced. This is some of my half of our dynamic. Your dad has his half and whether or not he chooses to pick it up is his work.