Ryan called last night. Often when he calls he doesn’t have much to talk with me about. Funny thing, he yawns when he doesn’t know what to say, it’s a tell😅. I think he may think he should call me. I think it might be another way he gets lost in his own mind… “I should call her, a good spouse calls.” And he wants so badly to be seen as good but then doesn’t know how to be the measure of himself. Like, “I would love to touch base with Jonnette, just to hear her voice. But it’s late and she needs to get up with Tori and she may already be asleep. (A) I just want to hear her voice, I’ll make it short. Hey, Jonnette I know it’s late. I just wanted to hear your voice. I am having such a great time with everyone. We have the best kids. I love you. I miss you. Ok, I’ll let you get to bed. Goodnight.” Or (B)” I just want to hear her voice. But it’s already past ten. I’ll text her and see if she replies. Are you up? I just wanted to tell you I love you! And am having such a great time with everyone♥️ Goodnight” Or (C) It’s late I’m tired. I don’t really want to talk. I’m going to text her. Hey, I love you. I’m having a great time, and am really tired. I’ll touch base with you tomorrow. Goodnight♥️”
Any scenario is Ryan owning himself, it’s him really stepping into what he desires, not how he will be seen. It’s also him caring for another while owning himself. Instead he calls and yawns and does his duty to be good, call his wife. But misses the opportunity to care for her and she maps it. I have a part too, instead of me saying, “it’s late, I need to get up in the morning. I love you, thanks for checking in.” I stay on the line hoping he will care for me, love me, value me. I have a lot of work to do. I hope as I get cleaner and stay on my own mind I’ll get more settled, less dysregulated. My development is all I have control over… but I keep slipping into the idea that if I get it right then Ryan will change. That isn’t a guarantee and it keeps me a little stuck, developmentally. I do love him, I want a marriage with him, just not the one we have right now. 🤞🏼🤞🏼
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