75 Hard... (did not complete)

Day 1

I turn 50 in 75 days! I think 50 is going to be the best year yet. This past year has been quite the journey. Healing from the bike accident and going through counseling with JFF has been brutal. I have realized I don’t do well with a number of emotions, anxiety being the major culprit. I am learning to sit in these emotions; they are not good or bad, they just are; waiting for them to pass, they come and go like ocean waves, always receding at some point. Tressa introduced me to a mental toughness challenge called 75 Hard. There are 5 things you do everyday:

1. Two 45 minutes exercise sessions. (Walking) One of them has to be outside. 

2. Drink 4 liters of water

3. Pick a way of eating healthy and stick to it. No chocolate😬, treats😳 or alcohol🥴

4. Read 10 pages of non-fiction daily.

5. Take a picture of yourself everyday. 

I have been doing it half heartedly the past month or so. What I like about it is that I feel more at peace with myself and I enjoy reading books that foster growth and development. Being outside everyday works mental health magic! So, I am going to start for real today! We shall see how it goes.

Day 2

The Conscious Parent, transforming ourselves, empowering our children is an enlightening book. I am learning so much about myself; things I did wrong and surprisingly, many things I did right. I did not sit in my emotions, I resisted and reacted a lot. Thankfully, I have started learning to dance with life and what a beautiful dance it is turning out to be.

Day 3

I am reading a new book, More Than A Body. My body issues probably started the minute my parents called me Pork Chops. My older sisters loved retelling the stories of how fat I was as a baby, how HUGE I was, the rolls upon rolls I had. I was always thicker than them. They were both short and tiny. I quickly out grew them in height and weight. One sister during a fight reminded me how she never weighed as much as I did in high school. My mom reminded me over and over I wouldn’t be able to “eat like that forever”. I think the final blow came after Ryan and I were married. I was reading Ryan’s journal, he had written about meeting me and added “she could lose a few.” I was devastated. And so my battle began… a battle I could never win. Because what I have realized is that I can never be thin enough to satisfy the critic within my own mind. I have never been ok with myself. But that is changing. I am accepting and seeing the beauty in the body I have. It is remarkable and incredibly strong. I did some math…

1996-2006 a ten year period 

120 total months

54 months pregnant

66 months nursing

1996-2021 a twenty-five year period filled with birthing, nursing, sleep deprivation, depression, and sheer exhaustion. However, there was so much joy amid all the challenges. I absolutely love doing life with our 6 spunky, curious kids. They make me laugh, really laugh, like tears streaming down my face and pee my pants laugh. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. 

I am finally catching up on some sleep and finding peace within myself. Tori graduates HS this year and a whole new adventure begins.

Day 4

I think I prefer winter over summer. I love the cold on my face while I stay toasty and warm in down gear. It wasn’t that cold today but the chill on my face had me thinking while watching my shadow.

Day 5

I subbed for Ms. Baker today. Two little first graders were walking down the hall together. As they passed the Art Room I heard, 

“Who is that?!?” 

“She is, umm, Ms. Baker’s Mom!!”

Day 6

A new motto to adopt. 

“I don’t watch myself live, I just live.”

I’ve lived life by Dave Ramsey’s adage, “If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” 

Life hasn’t turned out like I envisioned.

All that “living like no one else” seems a little pointless today. 🤷‍♀️

But tomorrow is a new day! 

Maybe I’ll feel different.😅

Day 7

Happiness is …having the best and craziest sister in the world. 

@getinmylifeback and @zebrahaunches must be the happiest people!!

Day 8

Heading to Florida for a few days.

Day 9

How to have a beach body: 

1. Have a body 

2. Go to the beach.

Day 10 

Honesty is the highest form of intimacy.

Honesty is often very hard. The truth is often painful. But the freedom it can bring is worth the trying. 

Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure. 

Honesty has a power very few people can handle. 

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don’t expect it from cheap people. 

Safety comes out of honesty, not by protecting people from what is true.

Day 11

“Self-objectification is the invisible prison of picturing yourself being looked at instead of just fully living.” More Than A Body. 

I wore swim bottoms this week for the first time in over 25 years. You know, the swim bottoms that look like underwear. I walked miles up and down the beach with my butt hanging out feeling the wind on my back, the sun on my face, and the waves splashing up on my legs. It felt good to be living!

Day 11

"Feelings are much like waves: we can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf."

Day 13

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman

Day 14

Best part of my day: All the interactions with silly kids as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. 

Honorable mention: When some crazy kids ran into our room, jumped on the bed, broke it, then fixed it with 2X6’s. 🤣😂🤣😂

Day 15

Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 16

“Are you Jeanie or my mom?”, asked Izy. What will I do when my personal shopper moves to Boone? 😭😭😭

Day 17 

I love watching our kids learn new things.

Day 18

Who does this look like? LOL

“…the philosopher Hegel argued forcefully, the most tragic predicaments in which we find ourselves are those that require a choice between competing Goods, not Good and Evil. The author of Genesis frames Eve’s choices as such a dilemma, a choice between the safety and security of the Garden, and goodness, beauty, and wisdom that come at the price—and only at the price—of painful lived experience. Her decision is more worthy of admiration for its courage and initiative, than reproach for rebellion. This is apparent for a number of reasons.” 

—Terryl and Fiona Givens 

The God Who Weeps

Day 19

1. My attempt at capturing the incredible sunset.

2. Todd Nugent’s work. 

The sunsets have been incredible. So much of nature can never quite be captured through a lens. But when it is, it’s magical.

Day 20

I am reading so many books with this challenge! I am loving it.

“What is always at stake in any decision we make is what that choice turns us into. We may suffer the unfortunate consequences of other peoples’ choices. People may honor or abuse us, harm or nourish us. But for the most part, it is our own choices that shape our identity.”

Day 21

Casey and Kate are heading to dental school! Acceptance letters from University of Kentucky, UMKC, and UNLV.

Day 22

“Never regret a day in your life; good days give happiness, bad days give experiences, worst day gives lessons, and best day gives memories”

“You are the greatest project you will ever work on.”

“Be proud of your progress.”

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

Day 23

Who knew…. It was “fun” watching Tori wrestle for the first time.

Day 24

This makes me laugh!

“Free chiropractic treatment — courtesy of Tori Geddes.” Twitter 

Day 25 & 26

It’s been a day🥴

Day 27

The rest of the story… Before going to Florida, I knew I wanted to swim in the gulf. I didn’t care how cold it was; I was planning to get in and swim. I have spent years and years hiding from myself, missing out on things I wanted to do because I was afraid of what others would see. This past year has been a deep dive into who Jonnette, NaeNae, mom really is. Some of what I found I didn’t like. So, I worked on it. I stopped blaming others when in reality, it was my own thoughts and beliefs about myself that were the real issue. One of the biggest is my body. I didn’t think it was small enough. But did I really think that, or did I think others looking at me thought that? I decided to figure it out. I would stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. What I realized is that I did like what I saw. Not all of it at first, but the more I challenged myself, the more I liked what was right in front of me; wrinkles, dimples, curves, even the saggy things. I found confidence I didn’t know I had. Every once in a while, a negative thought would sneak back in. I would gently remind myself what I liked about me and move on. I found a lot of happiness in this new space.

Fast forward, and we are in Florida. I forgot my swimsuit, so we went to Target. I tried on so many swimsuits. I knew in my heart I wanted a bikini, not a teeny tiny one, but I didn’t want a ton of fabric holding water when I got out of the gulf. I HATE dripping suits. This summer, I started taking my suit off outside and walking in with a towel because of how much water I would drip. Truth be told, I love the feel of water on my skin. So, a bikini it was. We got home, and Ryan said he wanted to see it. I put it on and walked out… silence. But not real silence, his face said enough. He walked towards me and went to hug me. I asked him a pointed, “What?” He responded with, “Your so pale.” It wasn’t a huge surprise. I have mapped Ryan our entire marriage. I knew more about how he felt towards my body than he was willing to admit. It was a pretty huge rejection. But I held onto myself. I went back into the bathroom, put my pajamas on, and sat down for dinner without ever falling apart.  He asked what I was thinking, and I said I didn’t want to share. I was processing what just happened, trying to figure out how I felt. Later I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie then we went to sleep. The following day I went for a walk by myself. I knew I needed a good cry. I was sad that the reality was my husband didn’t like what I looked like. He couldn’t see me through the physical imperfections of a middle-aged body that had birthed six children. We both sat down on the beach that afternoon, reading. As I sat, I knew I wanted to get in the water. I walked back upstairs and put the swim bottoms on. Not out of spite or anger, but for me. I didn’t have the courage to put the top on. I knew I had a sports bra that would work just fine as a top. Later that day, I took my tank top off and walked into the gulf. It felt amazing! When I got out, I was dripless by the time I reached my stuff. I’m not really sure how Ryan and I will end up. I know I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to figure myself out to be the best version of me. I know I have more work to do. But I am finding… I like me.

Day 28 & 29

I love getting random texts from our kids!! Thanks @casey_geddes2 for making me laugh♥️

43 Days until 50! 

Starting over my way…43 days hard and counting down. 

Kind of like life and marriage… 

“We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new beginning.” -Zig Ziglar