Sunday

Previously... Jonnette & Ryan fell into bed utterly exhausted only to awake to another Sunday...

Today was a teeth gritting Sabbath.  My jaw is a bit sore from clenching it so much during sacrament meeting.  I have 6 children that want to sit right next to me all the time.  Sam & Casey rarely get this privilege, only on days they are REALLY struggling.  Rebekah struggles a little more often and squeezes in every once in a while.  However, most weeks Isabelle has to have one side while Porter gets the other leaving only my lap for Victoria... Ryan is on the stand!!!  Days like today I just want to sit & listen.  I don't want to struggle with a child on my lap, deal with little boy who forgot his crayons & can't color, or a little girl who wants the picture Porter has even though we don't have any CRAYONS!!  JUST LET ME BE... PLEASE!  The talks were great.  Maybe that was why it was more difficult to deal with antsy kids... I WANTED to listen & hear their messages.  Sometimes I feel like I'm starved to feel the spirit.   I find myself desiring the quiet caresses of the Holy Ghost.  How do you feel that through clenched teeth and fighting the urge to squeeze your child, not the "oh, your so sweet" squeeze either.  Or as a little girl is showing her displeasure by jabbing you in the side with her bony elbow... no it doesn't hurt, good padding, it just erks the snot out of me.  Then the guilt comes.  Why do I get so flustered.  Why do I let these little things get under my skin & all of a sudden I'm that ever expanding marshmallow getting blackened by flames!  Only there's no-one to blow me out.  I'm sitting there all alone waiting to burst.  Ryan avoids much eye contact at this point, who can blame him.  I'm sure he's dying to come help me, but how he's conducting.  Then he goes straight from church to the hospital, first to give a blessing then to work.  The kids & I head for home make a few plans for the week & enjoy an afternoon with Rachel, Andy & all the cousins.  Andy cooks pancakes & eggs for dinner.  They all head home.  We get P.J.'s on & brush our teeth then climb onto my bed for a little reading.  We are reading Ida B.  Samantha recommended the book.  So far so good.  However, we are at a part were the little girl is going through a huge trial.  Her mom has cancer & she is having to go back to school after being home schooled.  I couldn't put the book down tonight it was 7:50pm before I stopped... bedtime is 7pm!  At one point Ida B. is laying on the ground sobbing uncontrollably: "But as I cried, my heart was being transformed.  It was getting smaller and smaller in my chest and hardening up like a rock.  The smaller and harder my heart got, the less I cried, until finally I stopped completely.  By the time I was finished, my heart was a sharp, black stone that was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand,  it was so hard nobody could break it and so sharp it would hurt anybody who touched it... then my new heart came up with a resolution.  Because when your heart changes, you change, and you have to make new plans."  It took me back to a time in my life I made the same resolutions.  As I read Ida B.'s feelings and thoughts they were my thoughts and my feelings.  I could feel the tears well up behind my eyes.  We finished reading & I got everyone tucked into bed.  It's quiet now except for Casey's music playing.  I wonder what trials we'll face as a family, what trials our children will face.  Will I have the opportunity to be here with them and support them through it?  Will I be strong enough to love them through anything?  Will I ever become that person that can love the most unlovable soul?  Will I ever be able to put my own irritants aside and see beyond the annoyances and see the hurting soul and love them even if it hurts to do so?