It's Christmas Eve. The most magical night of the year... or so it is suppose to be. I find myself feeling so empty. My sister Dawn asked me this week if I get sad at Christmas time? I thought it an odd question. Of course I don't get sad, it's the most magical time of year! I LOVE Christmas. Well, I'm afraid I've left one heck of a Christmas Eve memory in Casey's head this year. I can just see my Dad looking down, holding his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. Tears are streaming down my cheeks & I realize yes, Christmas makes me sad. I try so hard to make it happy by helping others... in some way pushing my own Christmas memories away. If I do enough for others somehow I think that will make me feel better... & it does for a little while. It's always anonymous... mom & dad would have had a hard time accepting anything from anyone. In some weird way I think I wish someone had done the same for us. I think of what that would have meant for our family during this time of year. It was always so stressful. Ryan asked tonight, "Can you imagine trying to do Christmas for 12 kids on your parents income?" I can't! I hate the presents, the gift exchanges at school, the Santa lists, the teacher presents, I hate it all. I hate the after Christmas questions, "what did Santa bring you? What did you get for Christmas? etc." Well, obviously if you ignore all those pent up feelings they all come screaming out... that's exactly what happened tonight. Unfortunately, Casey received the brunt of it. How I wish I could go back & do it all over. I should have just walked out the door... These are the times I just want to climb in bed & never get out. I wonder how on earth am I ever going to get this right. I feel like I just keep ending up in the same mud hole... waist deep & sinking fast. Well, tomorrow is Christmas... just 29 minutes away. Thanks Ryan for taking such a crappy pass & making SOMETHING out of it... saving Christmas Eve!
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