Here, there, & everywhere...

Today is one of those days...  the tears seem to be right at the edge about to find their way down my cheeks at any moment.  Why...?  It's one of those times there is no explanation, it just is.  Maybe too many things going on to place blame on 1 particular reason.  Every time I take 1 step forward I feel like I get shoved 2 steps back.  Days like today I just want to crawl in bed & never come out.  Ryan got home from work at 7:30AM this morning.  Read scriptures with the kids & went to bed.  He woke up at 1pm, showered, ate, & left for work.  He'll get home sometime around 10:30-11pm.  He has a meeting in the AM, lunch with a possible new doc at 11am then work again at 2pm.  It's the start of the summer & the ER is short staffed... nothing new, just getting VERY old.  Ryan will work a LOT... we'll be on our own a LOT... nothing new, just getting VERY old.  The refiners fire is getting pretty hot... I had an instance the other week when I offended someone.  I didn't mean to but I did.  I was a bit perturbed at what was said to me.  I felt myself get hot under the collar & a quote from Rachel's talk came flooding into my mind...  “Whenever you get red in the face, whenever you raise your voice, whenever you get ‘hot under the collar,’ or angry, rebellious, or negative in spirit, then know that the Spirit of God is leaving you and the spirit of Satan is beginning to take over”.  I tend to get hot under the collar quite easily... I started to defend myself then abruptly stood up & walked away.  I spent the better part of the following week asking for help in dealing with the feelings I was having.  I asked forgiveness for my ill feelings.  It really was an amazing experience for me.  As I humbled myself & asked for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father I was able to let go of the feelings I had & see it for what it was... nothing.  I had an opportunity to talk with this person & it was an amazing feeling to say... "I have no hard feelings, all is forgotten."  and really mean it.  I need to remember the Lord has atoned for my sins, the price has already been paid.  He is who I need to be right with.  Forgiveness is for me.  I need somehow to come to peace with the workings of this life.  I need to see it for what it is... a time to prepare to meet God.  Sometimes I wish that would be sooner than later... not that I am ready by any means!  I just think I might enjoy the "lashings" more than the trials...  being molded into something better is extremely painful... and it seems like it never ends.  I thought I was becoming this beautiful vase & in reality I'm the clumpy "soap dish" the kids brought home for mother's day!  

There's a LOT of shaping & molding to come... I just am not ready!