a little bit of this... a little bit of that

I bought over 100 books the other week... all classics. I found them on eBay & at junk stores. They averaged out to less than $.75 a book. I want Samantha reading them. She loved the Wizard of Oz (a bit different than the movie!). She's enjoying Eight Cousins right now. We started reading Black Beauty as a family. The kids are enjoying it. We had Stake Conference in Columbus today. Ryan had to work so we dropped him off on our way home. Cooked a few frozen pizzas, dropping one upside down in the oven... all had a good laugh as I tried to salvage it then clean out the bottom of the oven. At one point Casey says, "Mom, I think you should do that later when it cools. You could get 3rd degree burns!" I ask him how that could happen... which led to a bunch of idiotic answers, giggles, & smiles. We decided to take a walk then it began to sprinkle. We looked for the umbrellas... no luck! The rain felt refreshing as it lightly misted our faces. It seemed to be laced with a bit of laughing gas... we had a lovely time chatting, laughing & goofing in the drizzle. We walked to the airport & watched a helicopter land... the kids saw ninja monkeys emerge from the aircraft! Porter found a Star Wars weapon amid the rocks... a large old rusted U bolt attached to something! Casey & Samantha enjoyed a crab apple fight. We came home snuggled in and read Black Beauty for about 2 hours. As I read I thought of human nature & how we treat each other. The book is written from the horses point of view which is interesting. (Obviously, this is the first time I've read the book.) I think of how all to often lately I am loosing my temper & get so angry. My feelings dealing with different things/people seem to creep in and influence my reactions. Lately, Isabelle and Porter have been very defiant & disrespectful. Isabelle pulled something on the walk home which landed her in her room the rest of the day. As we began to read she became very upset. I told her she could sit at her door but could not come out with us. It didn't end that easily. However, she did choose to stay by her door instead of having the door shut. Tonight as I tucked her in I expressed how I didn't feel I deserved to be talked to like that. "I feed you, care for you when you are hurt and sad, keep a clean place for you to live, take you to soccer, pay for piano lessons & lots of other things. I have earned your respect." I asked her, "do you think I deserve disrespect?" She answered no. I then explained the consequences this week for being disrespectful.... solitary confinement! I expressed my love for her, gave her a big hug & kiss then said goodnight. A quick, "can you lay down with me" followed. After tucking everyone else in I snuggled up with her & scratched her back. I think I am a lot like Ginger in the sense that I haven't had a lot of luck with people & relationships... I can kick & bite! I was a lot like Isabelle growing up. I often found myself alone in bed crying myself to sleep. I can close my eyes and still feel the loneliness. I think that is why it's such an emotion struggle for me with her. I see the hurt and loneliness in her eyes. Yet, she can be so hard sometimes, walls are going up. I built cold hard thick walls early on. Walls like that don't come down very easily. I don't want that for her. This past year & a half I've found myself FINALLY fully opening up with Ryan... after 12 years of marriage! I also find myself feeling extremely vulnerable, something I'm not at all comfortable with. The interesting part is the trust that has developed. I trust him more than anyone now. He has become my very best friend. I don't know what I would do without him. I struggle to find ways to build that trust with Isabelle. The tears come easy for her still... I need to let go of my own frustrations and love her. Grab her and hold her when I want to scream. Lay down with her after a horrible day and snuggle her. I'm half way through Black Beauty. This probably sounds corny but it truly touches my soul. I think of how we treat each other and what pain & hurt we cause for what? It makes me want to be a kinder, gentler, better person...