I must admit, I have the best family ever! With that said, let me back up a little. We returned from KC last Wednesday night. To say I was utterly disappointed would be a HUGE understatement. I have been waiting for years... literally years, 7 to be exact, for things to fall perfectly in place for us. I thought this was going to be it... a great job, perfect house on lots of acres, good schools, ward, etc. Well, it didn't pan out that way. The house was too little... no way to house all the Adamson's for a reunion. Ryan thought it a little silly to base our decision on that. However, when I am completely honest with myself it DOES matter. My family (the Adamson's) will never be able to afford big vacation reunions. It's just not realistic. They don't take big vacations period. So, this summer when we hosted the reunion & everyone had such a good time we tentatively decided to keep doing it at our house until Jeanie's husband is bringing in some cash as well as Aaron getting himself out of school & working. Then the consensus is reunions will be taken care of law of consecration style. Until then, everyone is more than happy to travel our way. Next, the hospital closest to where we want to live is the "problem child" of the group. Out of 15+ ER's that they staff, THIS one HAS to be the problem child! AHHHHH!! The great hospital was 40+ minutes away. We both decided that Ryan needed to be within 30 min. I was just so overwhelmed. Wednesday I spent the day walking the airport or hiding in a bathroom sobbing. It was pathetic. Looking a bit suspicious exiting multiple times with swollen, red eyes & sniffling. Flights were delayed. It just kept going the way it seems to go for us... I should say it was normal. Did I mention Ryan left his wallet on the counter at our house? Yes, we had the choice experience of learning you CAN fly without ANY id. I should have known then how the trip would pan out. They received 3-5 inches of snow while there as well as frigid temperatures. All in all... normal! So, I crawl into bed willing the next day not to begin... it did anyway. I had only hours to get everything done before heading out to Philly to watch Jeanie's kids... they were headed to KC for their trip. Which, by the way, was fabulous. Everything fell perfectly into place. I think I cried myself out by the time I reached Philly. I hadn't been this big of a mess since after Porter was born. Ryan tried to get me to talk to a few of my sisters... I just couldn't talk to anyone. This sounds so ridiculous as I type. All I can say is, "I was a mess." Through it all I was positive everything was still going to work out. I knew it like I knew I wasn't ready for Christmas. It just was too overwhelming to think about. A few days in Philly without anything to do but take care of kids was good for me. At these points in my life the Lord always gives me something to busy my hands with. Service has been the greatest blessing in my life. Without someone to serve, someone that needs me to get off my butt & stop feeling sorry for myself I would be one incredibly miserable, self absorbed, lousy excuse of a human being. So, for all those people that have to struggle for my benefit... I am sorry! I just can't seem to learn things the easy way. This leads me to Rebekah's birthday. Rebekah is the typical middle child. She is pleasant, kind, peacemaking, just all around great kid. She easily gets missed in the hustle bustle of our family life. Ryan had to work, Sam had a game, kids needed to be picked-up... too many things going on. Rebekah did get a singing call that morning from great friends & one in the afternoon from Aunt Kathryn, Uncle Neal & gang. Without those 2 calls I'm afraid she wouldn't have even known it was her day... Thank-you., thank-you! As I tucked her in bed she began to cry. It broke my heart... at least my mom had always baked a cake... even if it was oatmeal or carrot! (Which I now love). I started pulling things out of the "panicking" mom hat. We can go get a frosty, pick out your watch, anything... please just stop making me feel like the lousy mom that I am! We settled on Dad taking her to breakfast in the morning & then to pick out her watch. This is where my fabulous family comes in. I drug my miserable self back up stairs & made a call, "Tressa, Rebekah has had a rough birthday. Will you please call a few people (my siblings) and have them email her?" She woke the next morning to 3 singing messages and a full inbox! One of by brothers drove back to campus just to type his 10 yr. old niece a birthday message. As I tucked her in that night she was all smiles. I asked, "So, was it a better day today?" She answered with a giant smile, "YES!"
I admit, I am really struggling right now & have been since school started. My jeans prove this very well... a wee bit tighter! Every morning I know Porter is going to yell and scream... at me, his siblings, something. Isabelle has a 50/50 chance of meltdown... which I take the brunt of. Victoria is going to cry multiple times throughout the morning. I HATE waking up. SOOOO.... I have decided to worry only about me... I am going to choose to be happy... even if everyone is yelling at me. I am going to look at them & smile. If I want to scream I am going to choose to whisper. I am going to use time-out A LOT... for myself. If I am losing it I am taking a time out until I can come out & be the mom my kids & I deserve. I've said before, I am a very capable person. There's not a lot that overwhelms me. Parenting is my growing tool... it stretches me in ways that are excruciatingly painful. My siblings always told me, "Your just like dad!" This was not a glowing compliment. Sadly, I have accepted that I in fact am a lot like dad. With that acceptance comes amazing amounts of empathy for the man. I can't imagine dealing with all that he did feeling the way I do. Thankfully, I have been given a lot more tools to work with. There are a few good things about my dad... he had a heart of mush. I find myself crying over the cheesiest movies just like him. He couldn't get through the hymn "I Stand All Amazed" without tears streaming down his face. This life is hard, no matter who you are. I am grateful for the struggles & trials. They've humbled me, given me more empathy for people, and continued to mold me into someone I am growing to like more and more (minus the tight jeans). I came across this quote and thought it fitting.
With thoughtless and impatient hands
We tangle up the plans
The Lord hath wrought.
And when we cry in pain He saith,
"Be quiet, man, while I untie the knot."
I also loved the way Pres. Boyd K. Packer started his talk,
No Father would send His children off to a distant, dangerous land for a lifetime of testing where Lucifer was known to roam free without first providing them with a personal power of protection. He would also supply them with means to communicate with Him from Father to child and from child to Father.
It brings me great comfort knowing I have a Father in Heaven that is watching over us. I know that He does have a plan for us. Jesus Christ lives and is my Savior.
Things ARE falling into place... we found another home... one big enough to host an Adamson reunion... while falling within the 30 min. commute to the great hospital. We'll see how it goes.
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