It's Saturday morning. I wake up in Isabelle's bed. She came into our room last night & was hacking up a lung. We went back to her room so Ryan could get a little sleep. It's 7AM on a Saturday... I am tired, Ryan's already at work, and the kids need milk... did I say I am tired? I get up & am off on a milk run. Sam needs to head to practice. I get a little work done on our taxes before we take off. I come home & start on the taxes as well as contracts... buying & selling. Plus all the paperwork for a mortgage. In the process I forget to pick Sam up from practice. She calls, I run & get her. Back to the paperwork... The kids watch Sunny with a Chance of Meatballs TWICE! That's the kind of day we are having around hear. Then, Sam gets a call from Ryan about the activity scheduled in Newark that I had heard nothing about. she hands me the phone & I can tell she's upset... she's on the verge of tears. "What's wrong? WHAT is going ON?" Melt down ensues... crazy mom returns with a vengeance. Ryan pulls in only to pull out again with Samantha... not to return again until 7PM. A few weeks ago I found myself back in that deep black hole... wishing death to come. I honestly have had moments sometimes days... months during a really bad spell, when I just wanted to die. REALLY die. My thoughts would be fixated on how. I have no fight left in me. I'm tired. So, this last time I pulled out of it rather quickly & was able to see things a bit clearer for some reason. And I promised myself I would never wish that again... because in the moment it's true but in reality it's not... So, today would have been one of those moments. I found myself on the ground sobbing in my closet again... then in full Adamson obstinance fighting back tears trying to get things packed & organized. We are in the kitchen, the kids want something to eat... they go for the cereal until they see a salad on the counter. Rebekah asks for black beans & for some reason I just start crying again. I apologize & express how I'm tired... tired of being told I'm the meanest mom ever... getting yelled at everyday... and all the other stuff. They don't see me that way very often... Ryan never does. He's quite oblivious to a lot until he reads it on here. I can't blame him. He works so much & I tend to pull myself together by the time he arrives. I don't talk... answer the phone... etc. when I get like this. I wonder when life will get easier... I'd even take different. So, off to bed... hopefully for a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is always a new day... maybe we'll play games?
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