Ryan & I had a date last night! I signed us up for a St. Patty's Day 4 miler. It was fun. I haven't been as diligent with my running & had completely stopped any form of weight training for the past 6 months. I thought I was doing all right... the scale was staying the same. Unfortunately, I was just loosing muscle mass & plumping up those darn fat cells. This is one of those battles I fight constantly. It's one of those stupid ideas, thin = more worth. Logically, I know loosing 15 pounds will not make me a better person. However, emotionally... is whole different story. The bigger problem is it completely affects how I am. I step on the scale in the morning & it reads too big a number (always!) I get so crabby. Heaven forbid my pants fit too tight... The Wicked Witch has entered the grounds BEWARE. It's no wonder I wear the same pair of pants days in a row... I don't want the emotional beating I give myself or my family WHEN, as they always do, fit a bit snug. In reality it's just another manifestation of other issues. Hence, the 4-miler. I paid the money & figured I better get my plump buns moving. It worked, I was much more diligent in running and working out. As we drove home I started talking... The only thing I feel like I am succeeding in is our marriage. I love him more now than I did when I married him. I like him more now. I can't imagine living life without him. We've grown closer over these crazy years of babies, babies & more babies! Then, it just came out... I feel like I am failing as a mother. It's my only job. It's all I do. I work at it day & night. Yet, I have kids that are melting down every morning, afternoon & night. My 4.5 yr. old STILL can't sit quietly during church. I hate getting up in the morning, someone is going to be upset & I can't fix it. Rationally, I know that I am doing an adequate job... They ARE all aLIVE! Casey loves teasing me about my infamous ability to kill any & every plant! I tell him, "just be grateful I know how to keep you alive." It's all the emotional garbage that gets jumbled up inside my head. I have this stupid idea of what a happy well balanced family should be & it doesn't exist. I need to figure out how to let go of my false ideas of reality. That's where running comes in. It's good for my head. I have a lot of time to think when I run outside. It gives me something I can succeed in. This was the first race I didn't get worked up about. It was about me going out & meeting MY goal. I was really pleased, I set out to run an 8 min pace & ran a 7:51 pace. I think as I run and overcome self doubts (I'm NOT & never was/will be a distance runner) it gives me more confidence in all areas. I hated running. Never did I think I would ever run 10 miles straight. When I did last spring, I felt great. It carries over into a lot of things. I am better equipped to deal with motherhood. If I can run 10 miles & not die, surely, I can raise 6 crazy kids with the help of a supportive husband. Who says it has to be a 4 minute mile or picture perfect...
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