71* Dec. 27, 2008

A walk down Memory Lane...

Sam 6.5, Casey 4, Rebekah 3.5, Isabelle 1.8, Porter

The kids started watching old family videos while Uncle Aaron was here. It's a little bitter sweet. As I watched, memories came flooding back. They weren't of the kids or the memories on those videos. As Aaron & I sat talking one night I sadly admitted I don't remember a lot of those memories... Casey so fixated on Porter, he kept asking me, "dat kute mom, dat kute?" Sam was merrily jumping on the trampoline with not a care in the world. Izy smacked a smiling Rebekah on the head because her bike wouldn't go. While Porter toddled around, stick in hand! Things haven't changed much! 2003 was a ruff year. I cried all 365 days. It started when I found out I was pregnant with Porter. There was NO way I could handle another child at that point. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until it was almost over. I kept thinking maybe something would happen & I would loose the baby. The guilt of wanting that & the reality of another baby coming was too much. When the doctor put him in my arms I cried, it was at that moment the pregnancy became a reality! The thought of taking him home was too overwhelming. I just knew I couldn't do it. So, home we went. Ryan drove us home then left for work! That first year was a blur. I don't remember a lot, just a lot of crying. Sitting on my kitchen floor sobbing, pleading for help. Most of my day was consumed with dreaming of running my car into a tree or other morbid thoughts. I know it was a loving Heavenly Father that kept me from tripping over that line I kept walking in 2003. Memorial Day weekend we took a trip to Texas. We stopped in Arkansas for a few days. It was then I found myself sitting in the bathroom cutting into my abdomen "I hate you". I was so dead inside. I hated everything about me. Ryan was consumed with work, church & 5 kids. Let's not mention the crazy wife! On to Texas... we ended up in a fight & it was a tense weekend. Kids were throwing up & I was hitting rock bottom. When we got home I was so numb. I remember watching Porter, almost a year old, toddling around on the patio. There was a pool out there. I watched & remember thinking, "If he fell in & drowned would I feel anything?" It was that night I met Ryan at the door humiliated & said, "Write me a script or something bad is going to happen." I took the meds until I started having nightmares. It gave me a little time to get over the hump & thinking straight. Then...

From Memory Lane

Sam 8.5, Casey 7, Rebekah 5.5, Isabelle 4, Porter 2, Victoria

One afternoon a friend was over for dinner with the missionaries. I wasn't feeling well & she asked if I was pregnant. I laughed, there was NO WAY we could be pregnant. If there was 1 thing I was sure of THAT was it. A couple days later I started thinking of dates & bought a pregnancy test... Victoria was on her way. At least my hormones leveled out for the nine months. I felt happy, normal again. Except when I was nauseous & vomiting... 24/7 for 5 1/2 months! It was way better than postpartum! She arrived and 4 weeks later we were set to move to Ohio. Packing up a house with a brand new baby is not ideal. It worked. 4 weeks of boxes, babies, not a lot of Ryan & we were ready to go. The kids and I moved 2 1/2 months before Ryan. He kept driving back to KY for an additional 4 months to help out. We didn't see him a lot. The kids school schedule changed. It made mornings better & we managed. I started feeling myself slipping again. This time I wasn't going to put my kids through that mess again. I made an appointment sure he would send me home with a script... I was getting bad again. He didn't. I was amazed at how much better I began feeling as I talked with him & completed the assignments he gave me. He's a behavioral cognitive therapist. I've always said I'm crazy, isn't that half the battle... recognizing the obvious?! So, he changed my life by helping me change the way I saw things & thought. He helped me work through issues & figure out things that sooth & calm me. Loud music in a car with screaming kids takes the edge off. Leaving the spilt milk to clean up later WON'T kill me! I still have my moments, but I have a lot more tools to use...

Those days come & go, days I am a horrible mother, fat & ugly. Each day, each experience gives me new opportunities to grow and become better. As we ate Rice Crispy Ice Cream for dinner tonight I looked at my kids with such amazement. They are incredible. I don't know what we would do if they weren't all here with us. I am so blessed to have them. They teach me new things everyday... sometimes it takes a few times around before finally getting it. But, I love them like crazy & the man that helped me create them.