Life has been a little crazy around here... I have literally only spent a few hours with Ryan this month, it's the 26th! Victoria spilled red kool-aid on the dining room rug. She started crying. I surprised myself at my "oh well" attitude. I cleaned it up the best I could. There's a nice red stain that remains. My plan is to turn the rug so you only see it from the back side of the table. Then you will only see the grey spots everywhere from all the other food stains. Not to mention the fingernail polish stains on top of the table. Rebekah was sitting on my dresser today. Why she was sitting there I have no idea. While atop the dresser she knocked a plate of cupcakes (again, not sure why they were in my room or on my dresser?) behind the dresser. In an attempt to save them she knocked down the painting hanging on the wall which fell into the pile of cupcakes smashed behind my dresser. Isabelle came downstairs to inform me of the mishap. She quickly told me Rebekah thinks you are going to be mad. Again, I surprised myself with my "oh well" attitude. We cleaned up the mess the best we could. I'm not sure how the painting will fare. Rebekah's doing very well, laughing and playing. Casey headed out to Utah to hang with cousins and attend a BYU basketball camp with more cousins. As we were packing for the trip I asked him to please keep the outfits together. Our kids have very little fashion sense. They always choose comfort over style. Casey just grabs a shirt and shorts and off he goes. I am glad that they aren't consumed with what to wear or what not to wear. However, at times like this when he is going to be with kids that actually do match their clothes I get a little nervous. On one hand, I am glad they view clothes as things to meet their physical needs & nothing more. On the other, the world is pretty loud about what is acceptable & what is not. I need to tune the world out. I'm realizing more and more what the world needs are loving, kind, patient people. Who needs one more person telling them they aren't skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough? I'm finding myself understanding better the scripture Matthew 10:39
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
As I let go of so many "things" for the sake of motherhood I sometimes feel like I am losing parts of me. Bit by bit I become less of who I, for years, have seen myself as. I'm organized, punctual, competent, crafty (believe it or not at one time that was true!), creative, smart and capable. Any more I am a mess on wheels, never on time, the anti-craft, dull, and often very unkept. The Lord loves humbling me. He loves it. I am starting to think it may be His favorite past time. As soon as I get through one trial and come up for air another one hits. Sometimes I wonder if I am really that bad or just an extremely slow learner. But as life continues to happen to me and those I love, I find myself believing more and more in mercy and less and less in justice. I know they both exist. I've always been a firm believer in choices and consequences/justice. My heart is changing. It's becoming softer and softer. It aches as I see those I love struggling. I see the true beauty in the atonement. There is enough love and mercy for everyone that asks. And not just from making less than stellar choices. It's for all the hurts of this world. It's for all the injustices. I want to be better, kinder, more loving. I want to find the good in those that hurt me. I want to be like my Savior. As He strips away those "things" through motherhood I begin to see what He has in mind for me. I have a really LONG way to go. It feels like I trained for a 5K but they changed the race to a marathon!! Thankfully I have great kids that are making the journey enjoyable. Now if I can just remember who I married...
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