When we came to Missouri looking for a house 2 years ago, I thought I had found the perfect fit! It had 22 acres, a creek, trees, a pond, geothermal heating/cooling, root cellar, 6 bedrooms, I liked the school district, the lake was minutes away, we'd have the house paid off in 5 years, etc. After going through it a couple times I realized it wasn't the right place for us. I didn't know why, but it wasn't. As we waited in the airport for our flight I hid in the bathroom because I couldn't stop sobbing, it was so embarrassing. I sobbed the entire flight back to Ohio. I hadn't cried like that in years. As I face the trials now I can't help but feel my spirit knew what was coming. It wasn't the house but the trials that would come from living here in this home that evoked such an emotional reaction. If I had known I never would have chosen it. My entire childhood and a lot of adulthood I have ignored my true feelings and hid behind anger. Anger is such a safe emotion to feel, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as sadness, rejection, betrayal, loneliness and such. I had started accepting those other feelings and coming to grips with the emotional roller coaster they would send me on after having Victoria. However, as of late I've started embracing my old friend anger. If I accept the real feelings I am having I find my self rolled up in a ball, sobbing with the covers pulled over my head. I don't want to be around people period. Like Sunday, I'm doing fine until the music starts for sacrament and I turn into a crying mess. I pull myself together, wipe my face and head off to primary. Somewhere in between I have an interaction with someone and the tears about start and instantly I get mad. Then everything goes down hill from there. Every time the phone rings I dread who might be on the other end. Heaven forbid the doorbell rings! Right now I want to shut the world out for a bit and just be alone. I'm not interested in the world watching me fall apart. So, I'll put on my happy face and fake it the best I can until I am back home in my safe haven away from it all. I know I will get to the point when I turn it over to the Lord and let it go. It's just going to take time and effort. I have come to the conclusion that what I need to do is prepare myself spiritually so He can lead and guide me through this. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now but what I do know is that He always has a plan and it is always the right one.
Gratitude Journal:
1. Quiet.... talking is over rated!
2. Family... they always keep you laughing & little need for words at times.
3. Temple... it is so quiet!
4. Trust... His trust in me and learning to put my life in His hands and trusting it will all work out.
5. The Lord's will... even when mine has to bend to match up to His.
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