I didn't think I would survive the summer of 93. I was nursing a truly broken heart and had never felt that sort of hurt in all my short life. I can say in the past 19 years I've not experienced hurt like that until recently. Today I found myself sobbing on my closet floor. I look at my daughter and haven't a single answer to give her. Tonight finding the tears streaming down her face yet again I say...
I don't know why the trials are what they are. I hate it for you. I don't have any answers. All I know is the Lord always has His reasons. Trust that. He is preparing you for something. I don't know what but, something. Pray, pour your heart out, ask your questions, write it down in your journal, then open your scriptures. There will be SOMETHING there. You may not like what you find. But there will be something. Today I prayed, asked and opened up to the part when He is talking about the trials being for your good and if you endure it well... blah blah blah! Not what I wanted to hear, but truth nonetheless. Trust Him.
I hate not having the answers. I hate not being able to shield her from the pain she feels. So, I hold her and point her in the only direction that will bring her peace... her Savior, Jesus Christ. I would not have had the faith or trust to follow such counsel at her age. Yet time and again she listens and does what I ask her to do. I wonder at what point the Lord will lighten her burdens?
Rebekah's best friends from 5th & 6th grade have decided she isn't cool enough to talk to anymore. We ran into a couple at the homecoming festivities and I could feel her move closer to me. At first I didn't know what was going on but as the interaction played out I realized she was feeling very uncomfortable. That night I asked questions and she answered. She told me of the girls she eats lunch with and I responded, "You sit with some interesting girls." Her emphatic reply was, "But they are nice, mom!" I kissed her goodnight and told her that's all that matters. As I turned out her light I said, "I'm glad you know how to pick good friends." She'll never wear the right clothes or care about the right music or boys. She'll always have a smile and kind word for those kids that are considered less desirable (aka "losers"). I'm proud of my sweet girl. I'm lucky to have a daughter that already knows what really is important.
Nights like this I want to scream at the world horrible obscenities & slam my door a million times. Talk about Jekyll & Hyde! Because then I find myself having to kneel before my Heavenly Father pleading for forgiveness yet again. I will never get this right. It will take me all of eternity and yet another eternity to even begin to figure any of this out.
On the lighter side, we are kicking the thumb sucking habit at our place. A couple kids are sporting green athletic tape around their thumbs each night. Victoria likes to suck on her blankie. We've hidden it with the promise bribe of Build A Bear or Golden Corral after 15 nights without blankie! Everyone is doing well. 4 nights down, 11 to go!
Gratitude Journal:
1. Football... it's the rave at our house right now. Ryan is all time QB. Casey and Rebekah tend to dominate! Porter and Isabelle are pretty impressive too. Every night Ryan is home they are out on the front yard playing 2 on 2.
2. Rain... maybe our grass will grow a little.
3. Growth... it's fun to see in our kids. Casey is as tall as I am but more importantly, growing as a big brother.
4. Laughter... it makes almost everything bearable.
5. Loyalty... priceless in life. I believe it's the one thing I value most next to honesty. It's interesting how hard they are to find these days. I am blessed to have such loyal people in my life.
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