I have a million thoughts running through my head... here are a few of them.
The weekend started a little rough. The kids got home from school and we started cleaning. Scrubbing toilets and washing floor board cleaning. We accomplished a lot. Sam arrived after cross country practice. A few hours of cleaning and everyone wanted something to eat... omelets it was. As I started cooking Sam and I started talking. She got upset and the tears started. Districts was the next morning. The entire season would come down to that race. All the work put in this far was to accomplish 1 goal, make it to state. I slid into the chair with her and pulled her close. She buried her head in my shoulder and just sobbed. We sat there for over an hour. This past year and a half has really done a number on her. She is scared to death to put herself out there. It's amazing the amount of damage one person and their words can do. It's interesting how others can jump on the bandwagon without thinking of the hurt they are causing. I'm not sure if she will ever really get over the experiences she's had. I'm sure it is molding her into the person she is to become. It isn't fun watching the process. Ryan gave her a blessing, I rubbed her back and feet then kissed her goodnight as I tucked her in. Saturday morning came and went. She ran a fabulous race! She PR-ed by 20 seconds and will be running next weekend at state. It was a good day. We spent the evening around a bonfire eating smore's. I love the combination of cold air and a warm fire. I can't think of a better way to spend a fall evening. The kids love running around with their flashlights playing games. Always stopping around the fire a few minutes to warm-up or fill-up! Sunday, was Sunday. Ryan worked overnight and had to go back again at 8PM tonight. He crawled into bed around 8AM and was still sleeping when we returned from church. The kids and I decided to see if there were any hot coals from last night. Casey got our fire going again with flint and steel! The kids and I hung out down by the fire and creek all afternoon laughing and talking. It was a great day. Ryan woke up and joined us for a little bit. I miss him on weekends like this. Last night all I wanted was to climb into bed with him, have him put his arms around me and know everything was going to be alright. Again, tonight all I want is to have him here... I guess I'll have to wait til Tuesday night.
The weekend started a little rough. The kids got home from school and we started cleaning. Scrubbing toilets and washing floor board cleaning. We accomplished a lot. Sam arrived after cross country practice. A few hours of cleaning and everyone wanted something to eat... omelets it was. As I started cooking Sam and I started talking. She got upset and the tears started. Districts was the next morning. The entire season would come down to that race. All the work put in this far was to accomplish 1 goal, make it to state. I slid into the chair with her and pulled her close. She buried her head in my shoulder and just sobbed. We sat there for over an hour. This past year and a half has really done a number on her. She is scared to death to put herself out there. It's amazing the amount of damage one person and their words can do. It's interesting how others can jump on the bandwagon without thinking of the hurt they are causing. I'm not sure if she will ever really get over the experiences she's had. I'm sure it is molding her into the person she is to become. It isn't fun watching the process. Ryan gave her a blessing, I rubbed her back and feet then kissed her goodnight as I tucked her in. Saturday morning came and went. She ran a fabulous race! She PR-ed by 20 seconds and will be running next weekend at state. It was a good day. We spent the evening around a bonfire eating smore's. I love the combination of cold air and a warm fire. I can't think of a better way to spend a fall evening. The kids love running around with their flashlights playing games. Always stopping around the fire a few minutes to warm-up or fill-up! Sunday, was Sunday. Ryan worked overnight and had to go back again at 8PM tonight. He crawled into bed around 8AM and was still sleeping when we returned from church. The kids and I decided to see if there were any hot coals from last night. Casey got our fire going again with flint and steel! The kids and I hung out down by the fire and creek all afternoon laughing and talking. It was a great day. Ryan woke up and joined us for a little bit. I miss him on weekends like this. Last night all I wanted was to climb into bed with him, have him put his arms around me and know everything was going to be alright. Again, tonight all I want is to have him here... I guess I'll have to wait til Tuesday night.
There are moments that make an impression that will last a lifetime. The other night sitting with Ryan discussing a few things with someone, that happened. I was emotionally wide open and extremely vulnerable. As I sat next to Ryan I felt an amazing sense of security. As I physically leaned into him and emotionally leaned on him I knew that he was there to protect me. I knew nothing bad would happen. These past few years have created a dependency on this man that I have never had. It leaves me feeling a bit vulnerable yet peaceful. Words cannot describe the love I have for him. It always amazes me the way the Lord works in creating the relationship I desire to have with Ryan.
The song Tender Mercies by Michael Mc Lean reminds me to choose to see the Lords quiet blessings. A friend drops a good luck treat off at our house for Sam each big meet. The sweetest part is the note and effort she makes. There are people that love her and support her by sacrificing parts of their very busy days to come cheer her on. She hears the things they say and tells me how much it means to her. There are people I trust to take care of her when I can't. One of the sweetest blessings is this cute little 3 year old that calls me friend. The Lord always provides someone that is easy to serve that fills me. So in essence, they are actually serving me by letting me help them. I'm not sure what I would do without these tender mercies.
Life is difficult. I am feeling closure in a lot of ways but overwhelmed by the daunting task ahead. I feel like Sam is damaged goods. It's going to take a lot to get her back to that carefree, happy go lucky girl she once was. I'm sure these trials are creating empathy and compassion she otherwise wouldn't have. I would never have guessed watching a child go through trials would be more trying than enduring my own. How I miss my kind husband on nights like these...
Life is difficult. I am feeling closure in a lot of ways but overwhelmed by the daunting task ahead. I feel like Sam is damaged goods. It's going to take a lot to get her back to that carefree, happy go lucky girl she once was. I'm sure these trials are creating empathy and compassion she otherwise wouldn't have. I would never have guessed watching a child go through trials would be more trying than enduring my own. How I miss my kind husband on nights like these...
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