I've toyed with the idea of going private with this blog. However, my mom is less computer savy than my sweet husband. I am horrible at sharing how things are really going with her... a lot of "we're good, things are fine, yep everyone is doing well." This is my mom's only window into my soul and I'm choosing to leave it open. So, to those that happen upon this blog or read it this is my disclaimer...
I'm not in a great place right now. The things I write about are of a personal nature. They aren't things I want to talk about or discuss. These are my thoughts and my struggles. Writing them helps me work through and better understand, even put into perspective this crazy little journey called life. If you can respect that, wonderful. If not, I ask kindly that you ignore my ramblings and pretend with me when I say, "We're good, things are fine, yep everyone is doing just great!".
Thanksgiving break found me in bed unable to cope with life. It all started a while back and has continued to go on & on & on. I've struggled to see the Lord's hand in my life lately. However, as I take a step back and assess a few things I see a huge blessing that has come from my recent struggles.
I have trust issues. Especially when it comes to men. On a good day I tolerate them on a bad day I see absolutely no use for them... says my 16 year old self. I've come a long way. It's interesting how the Lord takes you by the hand and carefully walks you through life. I look back and see how He's slowly, deliberately, carefully taught me to love, trust and need my kind husband. About a month ago leaving the temple I just blurted out, "I need to know you are going to lead our family." Ryan knew I was saying a lot more than that simple phrase. He knew I had been struggling and a really good conversation ensued. I expressed I knew I wasn't in a great place and that I needed him to make sure those important things were continued. For the first time in our married life Ryan is gathering the kids for scripture study, prayer and family home evening. He is so diligent. A couple weeks later again I'm laying in bed tears streaming down my face, typical family commotion going on in the background and I blubber, "You have to take care of our family, I can't." At night as I climb into bed overwhelmed, dejected from the struggles of the day, tears starting to fall I cling to him. Through out the night as I toss and turn I snuggle up to him always needing to be near him. He makes a comment about how he likes our cold house, thinking I need his warmth. Last night as I'm about to fall asleep I quietly say, "It's not because I'm cold that I sleep close to you." He responds with a confused, "What?" I tell him again, snuggle up and fall asleep. I believe that trials are meant to help us grow. I know Ryan needs to know I need him. No matter how many times I say I need him one of his frequent replies when we are arguing is, "You'd be better off without me, you don't need me." It's one of those insecurities the adversary plays on. The Lord has provided the perfect situation to dispel that untruth, teach me to trust my husband while simultaneously preparing me to trust Him. To trust that He really does have a plan and that plan, no matter how painful, is the best plan.
I recognized those trust issues carried over to the relationship with my Heavenly Father. I started praying to love Him better. My thought process was, if I learn to love Him then I will love people better. I will have the ability to see the good in others so much clearer. It hasn't panned out the way I had hoped. Instead I found myself questioning my weakening testimony. I felt as though I was losing any bit of faith I had. So I asked myself the question I ask my kids, "What do you know?" I know life stinks. I know you can try do everything right and be so obedient and life still smacks you down. But then I thought I always go to Him pleading for help and relief. So, I know my Heavenly Father is there. That He does love me. I know the gospel is true and it is the only way to real happiness. Then I realized it, I know that I love my Heavenly Father. It was such a strong realization, I knew it without a doubt. I loved Him and that is why some of my struggles have been so overwhelming. The natural man is so different than our Heavenly Father. When man calls out for vengeance the Lord shows mercy. When man calls for fairness the Lord shows kindness. When man is selfish the Lord gives all He has. My natural man is so at odds with the love I have for an all knowing, loving Heavenly Father. My head fights demanding justice and fairness while my heart breaks, if I allow it, wanting to forgive and repent. As I let my heart break and come to Him with that broken heart He teaches me and the growth comes. Unfortunately, my head wins at times. Not to mention, I have SO much to learn! It's times like these I shrink at the thought of the trials yet to come... the growth that WILL come after the pain and tears.
But remember... I am good, things are fine and everyone is doing just great!
Thanksgiving break found me in bed unable to cope with life. It all started a while back and has continued to go on & on & on. I've struggled to see the Lord's hand in my life lately. However, as I take a step back and assess a few things I see a huge blessing that has come from my recent struggles.
I have trust issues. Especially when it comes to men. On a good day I tolerate them on a bad day I see absolutely no use for them... says my 16 year old self. I've come a long way. It's interesting how the Lord takes you by the hand and carefully walks you through life. I look back and see how He's slowly, deliberately, carefully taught me to love, trust and need my kind husband. About a month ago leaving the temple I just blurted out, "I need to know you are going to lead our family." Ryan knew I was saying a lot more than that simple phrase. He knew I had been struggling and a really good conversation ensued. I expressed I knew I wasn't in a great place and that I needed him to make sure those important things were continued. For the first time in our married life Ryan is gathering the kids for scripture study, prayer and family home evening. He is so diligent. A couple weeks later again I'm laying in bed tears streaming down my face, typical family commotion going on in the background and I blubber, "You have to take care of our family, I can't." At night as I climb into bed overwhelmed, dejected from the struggles of the day, tears starting to fall I cling to him. Through out the night as I toss and turn I snuggle up to him always needing to be near him. He makes a comment about how he likes our cold house, thinking I need his warmth. Last night as I'm about to fall asleep I quietly say, "It's not because I'm cold that I sleep close to you." He responds with a confused, "What?" I tell him again, snuggle up and fall asleep. I believe that trials are meant to help us grow. I know Ryan needs to know I need him. No matter how many times I say I need him one of his frequent replies when we are arguing is, "You'd be better off without me, you don't need me." It's one of those insecurities the adversary plays on. The Lord has provided the perfect situation to dispel that untruth, teach me to trust my husband while simultaneously preparing me to trust Him. To trust that He really does have a plan and that plan, no matter how painful, is the best plan.
I recognized those trust issues carried over to the relationship with my Heavenly Father. I started praying to love Him better. My thought process was, if I learn to love Him then I will love people better. I will have the ability to see the good in others so much clearer. It hasn't panned out the way I had hoped. Instead I found myself questioning my weakening testimony. I felt as though I was losing any bit of faith I had. So I asked myself the question I ask my kids, "What do you know?" I know life stinks. I know you can try do everything right and be so obedient and life still smacks you down. But then I thought I always go to Him pleading for help and relief. So, I know my Heavenly Father is there. That He does love me. I know the gospel is true and it is the only way to real happiness. Then I realized it, I know that I love my Heavenly Father. It was such a strong realization, I knew it without a doubt. I loved Him and that is why some of my struggles have been so overwhelming. The natural man is so different than our Heavenly Father. When man calls out for vengeance the Lord shows mercy. When man calls for fairness the Lord shows kindness. When man is selfish the Lord gives all He has. My natural man is so at odds with the love I have for an all knowing, loving Heavenly Father. My head fights demanding justice and fairness while my heart breaks, if I allow it, wanting to forgive and repent. As I let my heart break and come to Him with that broken heart He teaches me and the growth comes. Unfortunately, my head wins at times. Not to mention, I have SO much to learn! It's times like these I shrink at the thought of the trials yet to come... the growth that WILL come after the pain and tears.
But remember... I am good, things are fine and everyone is doing just great!
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PS We have six kids too!! We recently had a stillborn, we named him Tucker. And for better or worse # 8 is on the way. I often wonder why I felt like I needed all of these children when caring for them does not come naturally:)
Life is crazy! I'm sorry to hear about Tucker. I can't imagine the hurt you've felt. Number 8... it seems like it's a lot less about what we can handle or do and more about the Lord molding us into who we really are! Motherhood kicks my butt everyday. I can only imagine you doing a fine job with your big & little ones. I remember you having a lot of love to give.