I have a lot of conversations in my head. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness, the atonement and life. I know there are things or people I need to forgive and move forward with. I know there are people I need to seek forgiveness from. So, how do you forgive someone when you know they will hurt you again? Or hurt someone else? I was playing out the scenarios in my head... here's a little peek into my mind.
If I choose to forgive and move forward I can't harbor resentful feelings. I have to be able to fully accept, embrace and even love them. OK, I'm pretty sure I am ready to do that. But what if someone else gets hurt by them and comes to me and expresses their frustration? I guess I would have to tell them you have one of two options. 1. Use the atonement to heal the hurt and forgive or 2. Go to the person and express your feelings. But #2 will never work because they aren't the kind of person you can get anywhere with. So I guess I would just tell them you have to accept that is just who they are and use the atonement. I start to think of some of the negative attributes people have. How sad that is who they are. Why would they be like that? Then all of a sudden I realize, that isn't who they are. They are a child of God. They have a divine nature. This is not WHO they are. It's only WHERE they are along the path. (light bulbs start flashing at this point) AHA... This must be how Heavenly Father works so patiently with each of us. He sees WHERE we are but also WHO we really are at the same time. He treats us as He sees us while accepting where we are and then helps (I'm not too fond of His kind of help most times) us grow and become who He already knows us to be.
So, my goal for this year is to accept people WHERE they are. To accept myself where I am and recognize the growth that needs to come and cheerfully accept the Lord's help... anyway He sees fit.
We've been talking a lot about the Lord's plan at our home recently. I've come to the conclusion we all have the exact same plan... Return to live with Christ again. In the past I've been more short sighted. I've thought the plan had more to do with this life. For instance, His plan for us was to get Ryan home more and live by my sister. WELL... let's not even go there! I've realized His plan has always been the same. His purpose is always the same. We are to return. However, we can not live with Him unless we are like Him. This life teaches us how to become like Him. And becoming like Christ is no picnic. Each one of us has to work on different attributes. That's why this life is so different for all of us. We each have our own set of trials (if we allow it) that will help us become more like Christ. So, I ask the kids "Was that something Christ would do?", "Are you becoming like Christ?", "Is that like Christ?" And when I ask them, I can't help but do a little personal reflection... it helps me see a little clearer and expect a lot less. I am here to become like Christ. I am not here to live a life of luxury or worry only about me. I am here to become like my Savior, because He already paid the price for me. I am to learn to do what He would do if He were here.
Life is overwhelming and it hurts like crazy. Submissive, meek, lowly, long suffering these are not my God given talents. He has to teach me these and I am often a slow learner. How thankful I should be that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me enough to teach me... unfortunately I am much like Porter and cry out, "You don't love me. No one loves me. I hate it here." As I hold him and comfort him I hear my words echoing in my head as if spoken by a loving, kind Father in Heaven, "I do love you. TRUST me. Listen to my words, not those lies." I start to sing to him. He calms down but still hangs on to his anger. "You have to let the spirit in. You can't chase it away." He snuggles in and I finish singing.
I don't know how I will ever get there, I'm fairly certain I won't. But I will try my best and each passing year I hope to become a tiny bit closer, a lot kinder and much better. I'll embrace the joy of cleaning out the chicken coop on a cold sunny day, snuggling with a sick child, learning scripture mastery with my adorable high schoolers, being in the arms of a good man and the sweet laughter that comes while changing Jeanie's car battery in the freezing cold.
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