Tonight was a "life is good" moment. It was a crazy afternoon but the raspberries still needed to be picked. After dinner those at home went out to pick. Tori, Audrey, Ty-Ty and Porter took one side while Rebekah, Casey and I took the other. They ran up and down their row looking for "gold mines" - huge patches of large plumb berries. Casey lamented about Dad not being with us, "He's a fast picker and not as thorough as mom!" Rebekah asked, "Why does Jeanie have to be in Germany?!" Jeanie is our go to raspberry picker. The weather was cool and the evening beautiful. The little ones (unfortunately, they will always be our little ones no matter how big they get) kept us entertained with their games, chatter and goofiness. It wasn't so much what was said or done, it was the feeling I felt... life is good.
Now, I have to say I wasn't feeling those sentiments the other day. Porter was playing the piano and singing the Happy Birthday tune...
I ha-a-ate you
I ha-a-ate you
I ha-a-ate you mom
I ha-a-ate you
That was followed by a car ride...
I hate you!!
I hate you!!
H-A-T-E... HATE
When I said I love you I LIED!
You are the worst mom ever.
(and on and on I can't remember all that was said. I need to remember to record them.)
Then later that night...
Mom, come tuck me in.
You didn't give me a kiss. (I had already given him 3)
I love you mom!
Earlier when all the garbage was flying I silently prayed for help. What came was the quiet assurance to love him. I knew that evening he would be my sweet boy again wanting me to tuck him in bed. I feel like a shell of who I was. I've become so weak, so weepy and overwhelmed. I feel like He has taken something strong and made it weak. I just hope He can make this weak thing strong. I've lost my fire, which I know is good. But it makes me feel so vulnerable. So easily hurt. So often I am at a loss as to what He wants from me. What His plan is for us. But then I am reminded that the plan is to become like Him and return. He is kind, submissive, patient, long suffering, charitable, meek, etc. So I kiss him and tuck him in and remind him that I love him. Thankfully I have been blessed with the capacity to love and forgive this sweet boy a million times over. And as I do, I slowly develop the capacity to love others in the same way.
Casey turned 16!! Ryan & Sam picked him up early from school and they went to the DMV. He passed with flying colors and is officially a licensed driver! I asked Isabelle how his driving was and she said, "Good! I was a little nervous but he drives lots better when you aren't with us." It was good to hear he is more cautious without us in the car. Victoria quickly added, "Casey is a real good driver mom!" Victoria was his second solo passenger. I love having another driver in the house.
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