I'm learning new things about myself. I've learned that I value dependability. It is something that gives me security. I miss Sam like crazy. She became someone I could depend on. I always new she would pick up, drop off, run errands... anything I needed her to do she would do. I knew her schedule and could depend on her. Before she left for college she began cooking, cleaning and really became a huge help. I knew if the kitchen was a mess when I left, it would be clean when I got home. She kept up not only her own laundry but Casey's also. I've felt the void of not having her around. Casey is someone I've learned to depend on. Anything electronic I just hand to him and say "Make it work. Fix it. or "ERRRRR" and he works his magic. The Mac Books weren't pulling up the family history site properly. He spent hours working on it, talking to the site's tech people and finally he got it working. I know his schedule and he has stepped into that role of chauffeur and errand runner. There is so much comfort and peace from knowing I can depend on him. I've realized Ryan's schedule of nights, weekends, days, evenings, hospitals being short staffed, coming home late, needing to fill in for someone has created a sense of uncertainty. I don't know when he will be getting home or if his schedule will work with the kids. I "feel" like I can't depend on him. It's not that he isn't dependable. He's the most dependable man I know. The environment that the ER creates leads to the uncertainty I feel. It's been a nice ah-ha moment. It's helped separate the circumstances from the person. Our circumstances are what's undependable, not my sweet husband. It's caused me to be much more appreciative of Casey and his efforts around our home, as well as less edgy with Ryan.
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