Life overwhelms me on a daily basis. Some days I handle it better than others. As I've walked my kids through their difficult days and trials I am slowly learning how to better deal with my own. Yesterday I spent the day working on taxes. I despise tax time. As the hours ticked by the laundry piles grew, the mountain of dishes loomed, and dinner was nowhere on the horizon. I could feel myself getting tense. Rebekah and Isabelle started track practice. They would want some "real" food. Mutual was hours away and I had still had things to do. Rebekah was in charge of a game she forgot about and Sam's package that contained her passport was nowhere to be found. The US Postal service had officially lost it. My stress level was quickly reaching the "blow" level. I kept reminding myself, "it's ok, this is not a big deal. Laundry will get done, the house will get cleaned, it's ok."
Sam texts and asks about her box. I reply, "they don't know where it is." This box not only has her passport, but her snowboarding boots, helmet, gloves, charm bracelet(from Ryan), and a few other little things. She asks,"So is it gone?" I try and think of something that won't overwhelm her, "They are looking for it." She handles that well and just asks me to let her know when they find it. It's good to hear the optimism in her voice. The box wouldn't stress me out nearly as much if I hadn't had the impression not to put her passport in it. I ignored it and now I am wondering if we will ever get it back. I pray and plead and ask for forgiveness... I will listen better, I promise. Please don't let Sam deal with my poor judgement. I rifle through the fridge in hopes of finding something that will suffice. It's suppose to be Taco Tuesday. Then Victoria pops in and asks, can we have taco's in a bag? Thankful for the inspiration, I dig everything out and find enough leftover taco meat and beans for taco's in a bag. Everyone is eating and ready for the nights running. I jump in the car and head for the church. As I am making my way through the windy back roads I realize I left something at home. I call Ryan & Casey, no one answers as a water cup falls on my lap. My hands are full with the steering wheel and phone, I'm going around a sharp curve. All I can do is watch the water spill all over my pants. The tears finally start and I keep telling myself, "THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL, THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL" over and over and over! After a while it really isn't a big deal and I continue on with the night. Ryan is at meetings, the kids are finally tucked in bed and I stuff my face with hard marshmallows... it's the only "candy" I can find.
This morning Ryan lets me sleep and he gets everyone breakfast, lunches and out the door to seminary and school. I am already overwhelmed and haven't left my bed! I get a call, they found Sam's package!! I am so grateful. But then everything else goes wrong. Everything from yesterday seems bigger and messier. Casey needs a paper edited, Sam needs a paper edited, the laptop won't connect to the Internet, the other computer that will connect won't pull the paper up. The kids need to work on school. I don't handle today so well. I end up in a ball on my floor reminding myself of the promise I made a few years ago as I grab my hair, ball my hands into fists and sob. Ryan walks in not knowing what to do. He's never seen me like this. I hide it pretty well, even from him. He talks quietly to Porter and Victoria helping them continue on with the day. I cry a bit then figure out how to get Casey and Sam their needed papers. I end up in my closet on the floor not sure how to face the rest of the day. Ryan comes in doesn't say a word and lays beside me. I feel comfort next to him and am grateful for the love he shows. Life overwhelms me on a daily basis. Some I handle better than others, but today is today and I just have to do the best I can. I think it will end much better than it started.
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