I've had body image issues for as long as I can remember. My first memorable experience was in middle school. I was being really rude to my older sister and she kindly informed me that she wasn't my size until after high school. I remember thinking for the first time I was too big. High school came and went as did boys and all the talk about weight. I was athletic and strong but never as skinny as so and so. Then came college and a measly 5 extra pounds. I spent the next four years fixated on those 5 pounds and telling myself I was too fat. I graduated and moved to Chicago. I joined a gym and started running with a friend. I found clothes that were flattering but always somewhere in my mind I knew I wasn't thin enough. Then I met Ryan. We dated, fell in love and decided to get married. Sometime after that we were reminiscing and he pulled out his journal. I read through the pages that talked about me... he said a number of nice things but the only thing I remember is "she could drop a few." I was DEVASTATED!! He thought I was fat. I wasn't thin enough, he thought I should loose a few pounds. All my fears became a reality that day. He tried to tell me something different but the damage had been done. Then he did the only thing he knew to do; give me space & time to get over it.
Unable to adequately express my fears and hurts to Ryan we started down a road of misunderstandings. I'd bristle or pull away when he would put his hand around my middle, terrified that all he would feel is my fat. I didn't like him seeing me change, shower, etc. I knew he would somehow be disappointed, disgusted even. Compliments were never his strong suit. So there wasn't much to combat the thoughts running through my mind. It didn't help that he found it difficult to see the beauty in really overweight women. I remember the first time I was expressing how beautiful a woman was and he just looked at me with this blank stare. I asked him, "Don't you see how beautiful she is?" He couldn't, the weight got in the way. So I started pointing out different features and he actually started to see.
But my fears grew. I was having babies, gaining and loosing weight. The only time Ryan new to compliment me was when I'd be dressed up for some function. I couldn't get away from my thought, "He thinks I'm unattractive, too fat." He had no idea I was feeling this way. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to say "I don't feel good about myself, I feel gross." He tries reassuring me but there isn't a lot of emotion behind the words. And he still struggles with compliments. I think in the past I just thought he didn't find me attractive. Now I am beginning to understand that when you shut off emotions you don't want to feel you shut off all of them. So when he runs from the negative emotions, he isn't able to express the tender, kind ones either. He can say the words but there is no feeling behind them. And I am all about the feeling. I want to see it in his eyes and feel it in his voice. But that isn't really the problem.
Raising four girls God has taught me a lot. As I parent them about physical appearances I feel like the biggest hypocrite. I remember the first time Sam got upset about not fitting into her jeans. I told her it was time to buy a new pair. She came home from college last summer frustrated with her weight. I remember telling her there was nothing wrong with her weight. She still wasn't happy. I then told her, I can help you loose a few pounds if you want but you don't need to lose any, you are beautiful. We ate healthy, she increased her exercise and she went home a few pounds lighter. Before she left I reminded her again how perfect she was even if she were a few pounds heavier. I believe size, weight, fitness level, etc has nothing to do with how beautiful a person is except when it comes to me.
As I parent them and reinforce the truths and expose the lies about physical appearances I have to face my own lies I've told myself. I have to come to grip with the fact that Ryan can't fix those issues, no matter how much he were to compliment me. Those have to be fixed within myself.
I know the answer lies within the gospel of Jesus Christ. True worth comes from learning about our Savior and His father. It's learning to hear Their voices above the world's.
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