Ryan comes from more of a structurally sound home. Both his parents had college degrees, his dad was a dentist. His mom was talented and excelled in school. She ran a tight ship. They prayed as a family, read scriptures together, had family home evening regularly and worked hard. I remember getting a call from a college friend before I married Ryan. He asked me if I knew what kind of family I was marrying into. He knew me and my up bringing. I was the farthest thing from a "Molly Mormon" I had made choices very different than Ryan. He wanted to make sure I knew what I was choosing... in fear that I couldn't live up to their standards. They were good, they made good choices and were/are obedient people. What I realized later was that Ryan struggled more emotionally. I remember one of the first stories I heard about his mom. She was a young wife and struggling with somethings her sweet husband was doing. She called her mom and started to express her frustrations. Her mother's reply was "You married a good man, I never want to hear you complain about him again!" I've heard phrases like, "Just let them be, give them time, they just need a little space... they will get over it" used often. I am in no way criticizing his family. I am just beginning to understand how Ryan and I have gotten to where we are. I am an emotion seeker. I live for emotional connection. Ryan is an emotion avoider, he avoids emotion at all cost; mine, his, the kids. For years we were stuck in a frustrating cycle. I would feel empty, alone, unfilled. However, the only way I knew to express that was through frustration and anger. So I would get upset and try to help Ryan to understand why. He in turn would withdraw, giving me space and time to "get over it". I would feel more alone, empty, and abandoned. Needing to feel emotionally connected to him I would reengage in the relationship unfortunately reinforcing that what he was doing worked. So it continued for years... until I broke and let anger in, really in. We moved to a new place and all hell broke loose. I don't use that as a trite phrase. Quite literally I felt as though the adversary had set up camp in our front yard. No matter what I did he was there, making life unbearable. I had never experienced anything like it. What made things worse is that my children were experiencing it too. I couldn't cope. I reached out to Ryan, pleading with him to take over. He liked the idea of me needing him but didn't quite know what to do. The kids at this time were turning into emotional messes. He continued to withdraw from those emotions not realizing how much he was injuring relationships. I had so many unmet needs. I couldn't get him to understand, I didn't fully understand myself. He wanted a list of things to do so I tried making lists but they didn't help. What I finally realized was, I couldn't make a list of ways to emotionally connect. It was in the way he looked at me, talked to me, touched me, engaged me. At that point I gave into the hopelessness and anger settled in. Unfortunately, that anger rocked our world quite literally. I was so lonely and sad. His withdrawing felt like abandonment. I wanted the hurt to end. My mind was in constant turmoil. I couldn't fix this no matter how hard I tried. So one afternoon it all fell apart...
I love that quote. I am grateful for a wise Heavenly Father that has given me the opportunity to learn and grow through mothering our spirited children. I am beginning to understand that it is through the trials of motherhood that I have been better prepared to find and experience the joys in marriage.
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