Day 29

A little while back Ryan made the comment he thought I was codependent with Jeanie. So, I read a book about codependency. To my surprise I wasn’t codependent with Jeanie but with Ryan. I’ve learned a lot about myself. Some things that weren’t so fun to learn. Some life changing.  My happiness is my responsibility it’s not dependent on anyone else.  Ultimately, it’s my responsibility to meet my own needs.  And that my codependency probably began as a child. 

From that childhood I brought with me one of my greatest fears, to have children that didn’t have a good relationship with their father. This fear influenced so much of my mothering. When the kids were young I don’t know how many times I would tell them, “You have a great dad!” We requested Ryan’s days off based on field trips, class parties, school performances and sporting events. We brought Ryan smoothies in KY and lunch in OH when he worked. I tried to make every interaction between Ryan and the kids a happy one. I wanted this so bad for them that I probably tried too hard and made decisions I should have let Ryan make. Or pushed decisions on him. He had a brother getting married one winter and I got so excited!  How fun would it be if he took Sam and Casey to the wedding and made a ski trip out of it. I figured flights and passes and booked the trip.  A few years later Ryan’s family was getting together for a family meeting. Again I got so excited, how fun would it be to take the boys and make a snowboarding trip out of it?  I booked flights, passes and they were on their way.  A few more years and Sam was going to Costa Rica for a study abroad program. Again, I got so excited. We figured Ryan’s schedule, made plans booked flights and he was off. Each time I would get so excited for the memories to be made and possible bonds formed. I so wanted our children to have that relationship with their dad I never had with mine.  I didn’t want our kids to miss out on something so important, but it wasn’t mine to create. Looking back  my codependency issues are very evident. 

So, I’m figuring out my own happiness.  I’m letting go of decisions that aren’t mine. I’m making decisions based on my thoughts and feelings. I’m not guessing or trying to figure out someone else’s thoughts or feelings.  I’m using my words to ask questions to understand instead of assuming. It’s interesting how that all works. For example, we are in the car and Victoria says something really sassy. Porter responds pretty rudely. I ask Porter, “You seem really annoyed. Is something Victoria said bothering you?”  He said, “Yes, what Victoria said would really hurt Samantha’s feelings. Samantha tries so hard to help everyone be happy. If she heard that it would make her sad.”  Victoria apologized and had to sit in her ugly words, taking responsibility for them. Porter calmed down because he was able to express exactly what he was feeling. Asking questions helps make things clear. We stop guessing and assuming, which most often leads to us thinking the worst. It also diffuses so much of the emotion. Life is tough. We all come with weaknesses and strengths. I would never have guessed my strengths combined with Ryan’s weaknesses and my weaknesses combined with Ryan’s strengths would create such complicated dynamics. 

Those dynamics have taken us down roads we never envisioned and through emotions we weren’t equipped to handle. The upside is “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” He is aware of where we are and where He intends to take us. Trusting the way He plans to get us there is the difficult part. However, I’m finding it easier to walk it with Him. I’m laughing everyday. The hurt and overwhelming emotions still come, I allow myself to feel them then let them go choosing happiness again and again. Because life is meant to be enJOYed. I am finding that joy as well as the peace He promises amid a normal life filled with struggles, disappointments and growth.