Day 80

Ryan climbed into bed at 6:30 AM this morning. I got up at 7 AM to get Izy off to track practice. I jumped back in bed with Ryan, and I didn't get up until afternoon. I look forward to the days we don't have kids to take care of. When we can sleep as late as we'd like and do whatever we decide we want to do that day and climb back into bed as early as we'd like. I think I have been sleep-deprived since 1997 when Samantha joined our family! My idea of a fantastic vacation is sleeping in and getting to bed early. We had a few productive conversations today. I think we both felt heard and understood. If there is one thing, I wish Ryan would truly appreciate it is that I need him. I have needed him from the day I married him. I have spent years and years trying to get him to see me, really see me. My happily ever after isn't possible without him. This has infuriated me, and after I was done being angry... the hurt came crashing in. I have felt that hurt over and over. At times I would lash out and say, "I am done. I can't do this." But what I was trying to say was, "This hurts too much." I wish I could go back in time and redo so much of our marriage. I just didn't know how to process the emotions I had let alone put words to them and express them. So, we are here... in somewhat of a mess. Who knows how things will turn out. Who knows if we will ever possess the skills needed to repair and heal the brokenness within both of us. All I know is I am comitted to him and this marriage. And that "For with God nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37