Day 62

Every Sunday we Facetime with our kids away at college.  They eat most Sundays together, so it's like we are all sitting together in the kitchen.  I love catching up with them.  They don't seem so far away on Sundays.  We laughed about Izy's whole wheat pancakes she used to make every Sunday morning.   Sam and Casey hated those things!  

It's bitter cold here.  School is canceled tomorrow because of the wind chill advisory.  I don't have to get up at 5AM!!!  I will be so relieved once our children finish the seminary program.  I just don't think I was made to wake up at 5AM.  

Porter is blue.  I think at times he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.  I remember the emotions I had living at home, feelings of hopelessness and questions for God.  How can You let these things happen? Why don't You fix them?  Why don't You change them? It's when my prayers first started going unanswered.  I think it's when I lost trust in people which then influenced my trust or lack of trust in God.  It's been a journey that's for sure.  I am in a place now that I choose to trust.  When things go wrong when my heart is breaking and I know there is no relief in sight I choose to trust.  There are moments of sadness as the tears fall that I remind myself, "I trust God." Sometimes I have to say it over and over but eventually, the flood of emotions subside and I continue on.  Life is tough.  I don't understand a lot of it.  Somethings there are no answers.  No matter how hard we try to rationalize or intellectualize sometimes there just aren't answers.  Sometimes you just have to choose... choose to smile, choose to cry, choose to get out of bed, choose to see the good, choose to ignore the ugly, choose to help, choose to forgive, choose to understand, choose to love.  Life is just one giant series of choices.  I'm trying to make the best decisions I can.