Day 64

I often think within our culture we get a lot of pressure or maybe just feel pressure to do the "shoulds."  I should help, I should serve, I should go, I should participate, etc.  Sometimes we adopt that way of life before we really know who we are.  So many times I have done things because I felt I should.  Then I would end up irritated or even angry.  At times I would completely overextend myself, and our kids would pay the price.  I remember going to counseling in Ohio and learning a lot about myself.  It's when I first started ignoring the "I shoulds" and adopting the "Do I want to" or "Am I able to" thought process.  It was really uncomfortable.  I felt bad when I would say no.  But I felt so much better not volunteering or saying yes to things I really didn't want to do, have the emotional energy to do, or things that just didn't work at the time with our family.  The more I paid attention to why I was doing things the more I came to understand myself.  I went from thinking bringing a meal to someone in need makes me a good person to my heart hurts for them, and I want to lighten their load.  It's when I started to allow my heart to govern my decisions.  At times I still say yes to things I don't really want to do.  But it isn't because I feel I should, it is out of love.  Love can influence you to do the craziest, most inconvenient, demanding things.  It is the love I feel for our children that influences me to give up so much of myself, to talk with a child when sleep is so needed, to edit yet another paper late at night, to cook breakfast at 5AM, pack a lunch or fly down a difficult run when my legs are toast to catch one last lift.   It's that love that gets me out of bed most mornings.  And it's that love that continues to teach me so much about who I really am.