Day 79

Today has been an emotionally challenging day. Ryan and I went for a walk and it was one of mostly silence. So often I am the one that has to initiate the conversation. If I decide to ask about work or church he can talk for hours. It's been like that the majority of our marriage. In the past when I would initiate conversation more emotionally based we would tend to end in an argument and rarely resolve anything. I desire something from Ryan that I am beginning to understand is very difficult for him to give. Whenever we discuss things of an emotional nature he relies on his head to do the thinking and talking. I tend to rely on my heart, allowing my head to weigh in and bring some reason to my emotions. In the past my emotions ran pretty high and were fairly intense.  This shut Ryan down so often and so fast. Any kind of contention or disagreeing would often end with him withdrawing, waiting for me to reengage (It felt like he was ignoring me) then acting as though nothing had happened. This cycle would leave me emotionally reeling. I felt so ignored, misunderstood, and unimportant. It's left deep wounds that consistently have been reopened again and again. As I've read and studied I've learned a lot about myself. I've been able to work on weaknesses and better some skills. As this process continues to play out within our marriage we both are becoming a little better. I am better at keeping my emotions at a more tolerable level for Ryan. Ryan is becoming better at staying engaged and not withdrawing. We had a constructive conversation this evening before he went to work. Hopefully, tomorrow is better.