Day 83

I turned into Monster Mom today... later on the way home from dinner I addressed the monster mom incident. Victoria expressed that she did not like her and that she was not nice. Isabelle didn't know what had happened that summoned her.

I expressed that I believe it is when I allow fear to get the best of me. I am so overwhelmed, depressed and know that I am failing them. As those realizations are magnified by unmet expectations I put on myself, fear rears its ugly head.  And I panic. I know I am not as good competent of a mother as I was with Sam, Casey and Rebekah. My weaknesses were different and affected them in different ways. I don't feel like they ever really caused harm. Right now I fear my weaknesses do cause pain and harm. Victoria's self-esteem is so low. She cares so much about what others think. I failed her. And I don't know if I will ever be able to fix it. Porter is terrified of marriage. I don't know if he will ever think marriage is a good idea. Again, I failed him and most likely can't fix it. It's fears like these that create the perfect environment for monster mom to appear. I need to remember that God is in charge. He knew my weaknesses and the situation we would be in and He still sent Isabelle, Porter and Victoria to us. He loves them more than I can even begin to imagine. He can make right all my wrongs. I am trying my best. However, I am very aware that my best is most definietly NOT measuring up. But I need to remember He will take my best and make something remarkable out of it.