Day 105

I helped Ryan mow the lawn today. After backing into the chicken fence and stalling the mower, I called Ryan to help me. I said, "I am not a good mower." He replied something to the effect of, "You'll learn." Instantly it made me sad. I don't want to learn to be a good mower. I don't mind helping out, but I want Ryan to want to take care of me. I think for so long I was trying to prove my worth to him.  It was as if I was saying, "I know I am not skinny enough or pretty enough but look what I CAN do... I can fix washing machines and run chainsaws. I work on 4-wheelers and tractors. I move heavy furniture and carry heavy loads. Please notice me; value me, say something!"  He didn't need to take care of me because I was so self-sufficient, which in turn created a wedge between us.

As I was being self-sufficient and competent, Ryan was feeling unimportant and resentful. I wasn't able to be vulnerable with him and say what I needed to. I remember laying in bed with him in Ogden after his mom died feeling horrible about myself. Victoria was five months old, and I was in the worst shape ever (up to that point). I didn't know how to ask him to reassure me I was still ok. So I tried to ask in a roundabout way, and it turned out horribly. I remember crying myself to sleep that night. So, here I am again in the worst shape of my life insecure, tired, and sad.  But at least today I told him, "I don't want to be a good mower." Hmm, baby steps.