Day 169

Ryan ask me to go to lunch today. He decided to run errands with me first. It didn’t end fabulously. I was buying milk and he asks, “Why do you cater to ****?” It caught me off guard. There was so much emotion that came up in that moment. In stead of feeling the sadness, I jumped to defending my actions, l don’t even remember what was said next. At one point I looked at him and said, “I catered to you the first 15 years of our marriage, it didn’t make a difference!” In that moment I relived all the sadness, fear, and rejection I had experienced during those years. It didn’t matter what I did, how much I tried, he just didn’t see me. The foot rubs, orange juice, smoothies, date nights, babysitters, treats, notes, affection, compliments, trips, none of it made a difference, all of it forgotten. I can’t battle the thoughts that consume Ryan’s mind. I can’t fight a battle that only he has power to win. So, I try my best to let the emotions come, allowing the sadness to wash over me then letting it go. I am learning to walk this road with God, He knows my heart. He knows my intent. I am growing more confident each day in accepting me. I am getting better at recognizing the anxiety I experience from the fear I feel as I think of the judgements of others. Then I check my heart, making sure it is right with God and remind myself; He is my judge, He knows me and He knows my efforts.