Day 191

I woke up at 5:30 AM to run with Sam and Jeanie. Rushed home, showered and prepped for my institute class at 9:30 AM. Returning home around 11 AM I found Ryan working on a handcart and the couches that were suppose to be donated to Goodwill in the back of the truck soaking wet. Plus he was suppose to take me to lunch. My face had annoyance all over it. He responded to my facial expression with a failed attempt at an apology. The tone in his voice screamed why are you angry at me? The "sorry" he through out was more of a condemnation than any form of sorrow for the emotions I was experiencing. For years I have played 2nd fiddle to everything; work, church, sleep, etc. And here it was happening again. Trek starts tomorrow morning. He feels the pressure to show up with an extra handcart because someone in charge called him about handcarts. In that moment, pleasing that person was more important than anything else. More important than spending an afternoon with me. He knew there was a handcart that needed fixing weeks ago, but he really didn't want to do it. It wasn't his responsibility and he didn't feel the need to take it on until someone "important" called. It threw me back to the night in Kentucky when I begged him to call off work. I knew one of the other doctors would cover for him. Everyone was throwing up, I was so overwhelmed. We had five children ages 7, 6, 5, 3, and 1.  I didn't want to be left to take care of them on my own. He didn't call anyone, he just walked out the door... leaving me alone, overwhelmed and drowning. 

I'm sure Ryan felt abandoned as I walked in the house leaving him to work on that handcart alone. I'm sure there were a flood of emotions he experienced during this encounter also. Hopefully we can wade through the mess of it and figure things out... eventually.