The Incident (accident)

 It was our last run of the day. It was Porter, Rebekah, Jaycie, Ryan, Jeanie, and I. We rode in that order. I was bringing up the caboose. I had just biked this run. It was familiar, so I hit the rollers one last time. It all seems so surreal. I remember seeing my tire start to veer off the roller, in my mind, I thought, "It's ok, you've got this." then the next thing I remember is laying on the ground. Jeanie said she heard my last "WHOOP!", then saw my bike, then heard my scream. I knew Jeanie would be the only one that would be close enough to hear me. So I screamed, "Jeanie!" twice. I knew something was wrong. I couldn't lift my head, and the pain was excruciating. Jeanie came running, as soon as she got to me she knew something was wrong. I told her to get Ryan. She couldn't just leave me. She kept trying to leave but then saying, "I can't leave you!" I had so much clarity and oddly, peace. I said, "I NEED Ryan!" I knew, if he could get to me, He would know what to do. Because something was seriously wrong, I knew it. She asked a man to stay with me and rode to get Ryan. Ryan followed her back. The kids didn't realize the seriousness of the accident and debated whether to bike back or wait. They decided they would bike back and then ride the run again. Ryan checked me out, the kids arrived, and Jeanie was a mess. I have never felt pain like that. I don't know if it was that I couldn't get up and walk it off or what, but I was upside down on a slant, my head feeling as if it would burst at any minute. The kids quickly realized it wasn't just mom falling off her bike. Rebekah knelt beside me, holding my hand, telling me it would be ok, reminding me to breathe. I could hear her breathing loudly; I'm sure hoping I would fall in-sync with her. Porter helped Ryan turn me, so I wasn't upside down. It felt as though my head was disconnected from my body. It was the weirdest sensation and, again, excruciating. Jeanie kept asking Ryan if we needed to call an ambulance. This is where it gets difficult. I had so much confidence in him. I knew he would take care of me. But he didn't. After 5-10 minutes, he still couldn't decide to call the ambulance. I couldn't get up, my head was exploding, and he had never seen me in this much pain, but he couldn't decide to call the ambulance. Porter yelled something and then told him to call an ambulance. Jeanie called. Ryan was distant and unable to bring comfort. Rebekah fought back the tears as she held and rubbed my hand. I hear Ryan talking on the phone to Kasey; he said, "We are going to the hospital, Jonnette crashed and hit her head." I remember, at that moment, feeling so much anger towards him. This wasn't just a little crash and bumped head. How could he care so little for me? The ambulance arrived, and they put a neck collar on and rolled/slid me onto a backboard/spineboard. Moving me into the ambulance was horrible! The ride out of the park across the grass and bumps was worse. I can't describe the pain I felt. Rebekah rode with me. Ryan met us at the hospital with Kasey. They moved me on and off the gurney for scans, and again, I can't describe the pain. I thought childbirth was painful... When back in the emergency room, they started to tell me about the scans. Rebekah traded places with Ryan so he could hear what was going on. I had a C1 burst fracture. The right side crushed, and the rest was in multiple pieces. Thankfully I have thick spinal meninges, who knew?! So the doctor finished talking, and most of the people left the room. I started to panic and cry. Ryan doesn't do anything... so I thought. I finally blurt out, "I want Rebekah back." but there is only silence. I can't see anything except the ceiling. I can't move my head. I realize I am alone. Ryan left me! He didn't tell me he was leaving. He didn't say anything. He just left! Tears are streaming, my head is bursting, and I am alone. When he returns, I tell him through tears, "I want Rebekah." They switch places. It's Covid19, and you can only have one person in the room. The one specialist they have on staff is unavailable. They decide to fly me back to KC. They get me prepped and wheel me out to the helicopter. The transfers continued to be excruciating. Once in the air, they finally give me something that started to deaden the pain. I arrive hours before anyone else. They do more scans. Ryan and Rebekah finally arrive. I have a few days in the hospital. It takes until the last night to finally get my pain under control. Fast forward a week or so. Ryan and I are lying in bed, and I ask him why he didn't call an ambulance, why he hesitated. He says, "I was thinking, 'I wish I were in KC. I could borrow a neck collar and board from an EMT I knew.' I was worried about the cost of an ambulance. I was figuring the costs." I knew that was what he was thinking while hesitating. It brought some closure to hear him say the actual words. Thankfully that isn't the end to our "story." We've found an amazing marriage counselor, and I have hope that she will be able to help us grow and heal a lot of wounds. I am learning a lot about myself and am growing myself up bit by bit. We have a lot to work through.