Valentines.... then 25 years

A few days before Valentine's Day, we had a session with JFF, our couples coach/therapist. We have been meeting with her twice a week for the past nine months. During this session, JFF told Ryan that she wasn't sure if she could be helpful to him because his mind brings him so quickly into compliant language that it's hard to know if she is having any real traction with him. It feels so much like he is just complying with what she is saying, but that isn't a good use of his time or money. She thinks he is a competent, able person who throws too much of his capacity away. The marriage needs more of it. I (Jonnette) would take relief in it, maybe not at every junction, but I (Jonnette) don't have a trustworthy partner yet, not that he is lying or being nefarious. But his need for validation makes him not a solid counterpoint that every marriage needs. I(Jonnette) need push back to grow..... She's trying to tell him what she sees as his half of the issue, but it feels like she just can't help him see it; it's like trying to pick up sand; it just doesn't ever land with him. She would like to help him. She isn't giving up just yet, but until he comes to a place on his own where he knows he wants this for himself, she doesn't feel it's good to keep using his time and money in this way. She doesn't feel like she is doing the level of work she would like to be doing with him.

Ryan then told some of our kids, "I was fired from counseling today. JFF thinks it's a waste of my time and money to keep doing counseling. But I'm still paying for mom to go to counseling." That was really hard for me to hear. I had made plans for Saturday, Feb. 13th, because Ryan worked a 24-hour shift on Valentine's Day. I kept going back and forth. Do I go ahead with the plans or cancel them. I had booked a hotel room for the two of us. I made purchases and accommodations for an intimate evening together. I kept pushing up against the disappointment I felt with Ryan and his response to counseling. It was hard for me not to reference his behavior when considering what I was going to do. I decided that I wanted a nice evening with my husband. If you are one of our kids, you may want to skip over this part... I like my sexuality. I like the touch of Ryan's hands, especially when he is open and honest with me. When I feel connected with him, there is no other place I would rather be than in his arms. I enjoy kissing him and being sexual with him. So, I dropped a keycard off with the security guard at the hospital to give to Ryan. Ryan was speechless and happy. We had a good night together. It didn't end exactly how we had both hoped, but we had some fun and some needed conversation. 

Fast forward a couple weeks, a family ski trip that didn't go quite as well between the two of us as hoped for, and another counseling session with JFF. It's now our twenty-fifth anniversary. We went to an early dinner at Bravo's, then Ryan "surprised" me with a do-over at the Hyatt Place. The room was filled with hearts, balloons, flowers, and ice cream. I found and read a letter that melted my heart. Then we went for a walk and talked... a lot. When we returned to our room, we talked a bit more, had a little fun, laughed, and then talked some more. It was the best anniversary we have ever had. I hope we have so many more like it. 

Again... kids, you might not want to read all this. We haven't done a good job at letting you know your dad and I enjoy each other—especially the past few years. There has been more hate and contempt within our marriage than love. Hopefully, we can do a better job as parents showing you what a happy, solid marriage looks like, conflict and all. I hope you'll know your parents did like to be with each other, that we enjoyed each other's touch. That there is no other relationship on the planet that compares to the marriage relationship. There is no other relationship that can bring you more joy or contentment. It may have taken us a while and may still look messy in the near future, but we are working on it, and we both want something better. 

Dear Jonnette, 

I was thinking about how much I actually love you, how I don't tell you enough, and how I am actually jealous of those you show love to. I want to let you know I want us to be different. 

I remember how just holding your hand made me feel amazing. I didn't ever want to go home. I remember snuggling on the plane from Utah before we were married. I remember walking the beaches in Florida and finding all those bottles with messages. I love hearing you laugh and smile. 

I love the kind of caring, charitable, understanding, intelligent, articulate, sensible dreamer that you are. I love the way you can tackle problems and use available resources to make quick, clear decisions. I also think your endless beauty continues to amaze me. I look at the photo of you, and you still drop me to my knees. I got so excited thinking about you standing with your arms up on the TSA scanner that I grabbed your leg too tight on the flight last week. I just wanted to touch your breasts, your legs, and every part of you. 

I love seeing you recover so well from your neck fracture. I love not hearing you complain, "Why me?". I take for granted that you are healthier than ever and could still snowboard and keep up with our kids in everything. I love the way you keep us healthy with good meals and good habits of daily living. 

Without you, I would not know how to live life to its fullest. I have reaped the joys of all the family vacations you planned. Without you, I would have died without ever living. I still have a lot to go. 

I will always love you. I am jealous and probably show that side too often. I am sorry I cannot correct the past. I am sorry I have not always been truthful and faithful to you. I will continue to work hard every day to be truer to you. 

I want to grow old with you. I yearn to share dreams, hopes, and even disappointments with you. I want to be your best friend and lover,

Happy Anniversary, 

Ryan                                                                                                            1996-2021